Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died in a car accident."
The second man said, "I died by drowning."
The third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"

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A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
"That's something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it because it has teeth," she replied. Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared. One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married. On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
"No," he said. "It's got teeth."
"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"
"Well, I'm not surprised," he replied."Not with gums like that."

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.T he husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sеx, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Couple jokes

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some dамn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the веаvеr and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some dамn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the dамn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

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God Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons."
Wife: "Same to you father of none."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"

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Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Birthday Jokes

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how sтuрid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"
"There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was sтuрid?"

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Irish jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Stupid Jokes

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

An old couple returning from Florida cross the border. The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US.
the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?". the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks the man where he is from. the man answers "Toronto". the man's wife says "what did he say?" the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from.
the agent says to the man " i was in Toronto once, i had the worst sеx ever in my life in Toronto." the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl very afraid tells her husband:
"Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"
I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison"
And they throw the first one.
and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband:
"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"
The guy not very delighted tells her:
"Lets put him into the prison another time!!"
And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him:
"!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!"
The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.
And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says:
"!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"
And he answers with his last breath:
"HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Prison Jokes Love Jokes Hotel Jokes

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.
Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.
She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said.
"We only met a half hour ago.
How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

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Banker Jokes Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.
The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.
"I'm going to need a sемеn, urinе and a fесаl sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"He needs a pair of your underwear".

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Marriage and Family Jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were.
One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow.
The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee.
The last woman just slid over the bar stool.

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Vulgar jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sеx.
"I think my privates are too small." he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.
"Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise сrаск to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a dамn good thing, cause he sure as hеll can't wear glasses!"

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Little Johnny Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dad Jokes

I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Cheating Jokes

Q: How is a boss better than a wife?
A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Management Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes

A man has came over to his wife in a request.
She tells him to tie her to a bed and do whatever he wants.
3 hours later he is fuскing hookers and watching football and роrn with friend.

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Communication Jokes

A man farts in bed next to his wife.
His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."
She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

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Gross Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Fart Jokes

"I want a divorce"!
"But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part."
"I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."

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