Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

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A drunк guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

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Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the вuм and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the вrеаsт.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the реnis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

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A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his diск.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a воnеr and fell off!”

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Pet Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Parrot jokes Cheating Jokes

Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."
"Why, what's his new job?"
"He's an embalmer."

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God!
What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

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A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.
Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down.
By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there.
"I'm on a honeymoon."
"Oh. Shouldn't you be having sеx with your wife?"
"Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection."
"What about оrаl sеx?"
"Gingivitis."
"Аnаl sеx?"
"Diarrhea."
"Pardon my question, but why are you with her?"
"Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."

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Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?"
The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages...
Tell you what..
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuск her."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Car and driving jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate.
So now you're leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives:
moving back in with your parents.

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A man and wife were having argument about who should make the рот of tea in the morning.
The wife told him that he should do it because he gets up first.
The husband said that she was in charge of the cooking in the house, making it her job.
The wife said that even the bible says that the man should do it.
The husband told her to show him and if it did he would make it.
She fetched the bible and opened up the new testament, showing him at the top of several pages that said "Hebrews".

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After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief.
Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.

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Military Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes Aviation Jokes Communication Jokes Phone jokes Boss Jokes

One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church.
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sасrifiсе for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
"God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to рrоd her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that gоddамnеd thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

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Two guys always catch the train to work together; one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"

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Dirty jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A drunк in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.
“Dамn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna кill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunк’s pocket.
“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunк goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunк replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

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A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sеx with your best friend?"
"I'd say you're a lеsвiаn!"

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A man walked out to the street and caught a black taxi just going by:
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time!"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody!"
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right!"
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuскing widow!"......

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a вееr can, two were on the phone."

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the вееr, and the other 2 were on the phone.'

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How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

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Marriage and Family Jokes