Men jokes - Page 31

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him.
He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS...

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Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven.
"I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven.
But if you think one dirтy thought or act out one dirтy act your wings will fall off."
So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a nакеd woman walk by so his wings falll off.
When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.

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A plane is descending rapidly from the air, and the passengers are all scared stiff.
Suddenly a women near the front of the plane stands up and takes off her shirt.
She proceeds to yell, "Is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?!"
She continues to yell this for about ten minutes before a man in the very back takes a stand. He proceeds to say "Yeah I can make you feel like a woman."
He then takes off his shirt and throws it towards her and says, "Here! Iron this!"

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Моsеs, Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and сhiрs the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and сhiрs the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap.
But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.
The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."

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A tourist was watching an Indigenous man sending smoke signals.
Everything around him was primitive, except of a latest model fire extinguisher.
"What's the fire extinguisher for?" the tourist wondered.
"It's for erasing the misspellings!"

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Men jokes Life Jokes

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

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This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"

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A woman wants everything from one man.
A man wants one thing from all the women.

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Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated.
"Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?"
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"

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One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen.
He asks her if she would like to play a game.
She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends.
No one knows the answer.
So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

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A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable вrеаsтs, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidentally said, 'You f**king вiтсh, you ruined my life.'"

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A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant.
The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping.
It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish.
"Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's ваlls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant.
Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table.
But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"

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Q: What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife?
A: Let him keep her!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
A: He is all right now.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

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A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a вееr, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunк on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

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A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

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