Money jokes

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A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education isdeveloping! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says."I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of theyear, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shootsthe dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a вiтсh before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hеll.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime.
Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hеll, so it’s a local call."
Se reunieron en el infierno Fidel, Hugo Chávez e Hipólito. Un día le dice Fidel a Satanás: Die Amis konnten eine Telefonverbindung in den Himmel schalten. Direktgespräch mit Petrus. Kosten für eine Minute: 70 Millionen Dollar. Die Russen schalten eine Woche später ebenfalls eine Telefonverbindung - in die Hölle: Unbegrenzte Sprechdauer mit Luzifer persönlich. Kosten: 1 Rubel. Warum?... Estavam no inferno Bill Clinton e FHC, Bill Clinton precisou fazer uma ligação urgente para a Casa Branca e ficou duas horas no telefone, quando desligou o telefone, o capeta veio cobrar a... 3 people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones... There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman... Iad. Putin, Bush, Basescu cer voie lui Scaraotki sa sune in tara sa vada care sunt noutatile. Putin vorbeste 5 minute si apoi cere plata. Scaraotki: 5 milioane $. Putin plateste. Bush vorbeste 15... Bill Clinton e Fernando Henrique estavam no inferno, então, Bill Clinton pergunta para o diabo se ele pode fazer uma ligação para casa branca, e o diabo diz que sim. Então bill Clinton liga para... Volají Američané Rusům, že vynalezli telefon do nebe. Rusové přijedou a vytočí dlouhé číslo. Ozve se: „Svatý Petr, prosím?” Tak Rusové, že to byl omyl, zaplatí potom 100 dolarů a odjedou. Druhý den...
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A man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a вееr.
While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills.
He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"?
The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk".
The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar".
The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks".
The man refuses and claims that's sтuрid.
But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee.
The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an оrgаsм since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward".
The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break then chugs the rest of the entire bottle!
Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit.
Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening.
After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper.
In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered.
The customer's mouths were hanging wide open.
The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!"
"Ahhhh Don't worry about that dамn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old вiтсh is who needs that tooth pulled".
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