Sex Jokes

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that рussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.
And he walks into a whоrеhоusе. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sеx with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sеx with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sеx with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sеx with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sеx with the Mailman... and HE's the мотhеrfuскеr who ran over my frog."

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"Mommie, Mommie....did you know that nurses can come apart..?"
"Well...no. What makes you say that..?"
"Because the other night, I overheard Daddy say that he sсrеwеd the аss off of a nurse..!"

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Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

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Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."
"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."

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Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, she bought a solar powered flashlight.

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Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sеx!"

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Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sеx, I've got nothing left to believe in."

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Dad: Hey son, if you keep маsтurватing your going to go blind.
Son: Dad im over here.

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A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sеxuаl tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sеx with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sеx three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sеx with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”
So they go back to her place and have great sеx.
Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sеx. But while I’m sleeping, hold my ваlls in your left hand and my diск in your right hand.”
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sеx.
Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sеx yet. But again, hold my ваlls in your left hand, and my Diск in your right hand.”
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your ваlls in my left hand and your diск in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?”
Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a sluт from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sеx. “You know, John and I have been having some sеxuаl problems”, Linda told her friend. …
…
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I.” …
“ We’re thinking of going to a sеx therapist”, said Linda. ….
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” …
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sеx therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nudе, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vаginа, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his реnis with, I had to eat. Our sеx life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
….
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sеx therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios…..”

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The sexologist to Johny:
"let´s talk about sеx!"
Johny:
"I have no idea."

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Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well.
So I said to her, Cheer up!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

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Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy. The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"
And the father answers truthfully:
"These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sеx."
"Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the sеx education class."
Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?"
"This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside.
"What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?"
"This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"
His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"

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One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him:
I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep...
Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her:
Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?

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An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.
The Greek: We built the Acropolis!
the Italian: We built the Colosseum!
The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!
the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!
The Greek: We discovered sеx!
the Italian: And we introduced it to women!

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1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sеx but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20) You can't remember the Web site where you saw this list.

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This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.
He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urinе sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."
The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.
The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fuскing killing me…”
At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urinе sample with you.”
The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shiт.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urinе sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”
Next morning he hands the doc the jar.
Doc pours the contents into the machine.
This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.
Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fuскing the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”

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Нiтlеr conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families.
He made all men to stand nакеd one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob.
First woman starts to suск and saying:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine!"
It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free.
Second woman starts to suск:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!"
True again so Нiтlеr was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village.
Third woman starts to doing her job and saying:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine...."

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