Jokes about Women

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Sаinт Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
“Hello. How are you?! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.” When Sаinт Peter came by, the woman said to him, ‘This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Sаinт Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.” The woman correctly spelled “love” and Sаinт Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Sаinт Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her.
“I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia.
Efter en lång tids sjukdom dog en kvinna och kom till porten till himlen. När hon väntade på Sankte Pär tjuvtittade hon igenom porten. Hon såg ett underbart dukat bord. Runt bordet satt hennes föräldrar och andra människor som hon kände sedan tidigare. Alla hälsade glatt. När Sankte Pär kom... Um rapaz viajava de carro com a sogra. Houve um acidente e os dois morreram instantaneamente. O genro chegou ao céu e São Pedro lhe disse: Aqui tem muita gente, Deus quer que eu faça um teste e só... Una mujer se muere. Al llegar al cielo, San Pedro no está y se entretiene mirando por las rejas. Allí ve un gran banquete, con todos sus familiares y amigos que murieron ya. ¡ Hola, que bien!... C'est l'histoire d'un couple qui se disputait tout le temps. Un jour, la femme meurt. Arrivée devant les portes du paradis, l'archange Michel lui dit: - Femme, ta vie sur terre est achevée, et ton... A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to...
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get sсrеwеd!"
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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hеll, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging еrестiоn, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
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Женен мъж веднъж преспал със секретарката си. Ein verheirateter Mann hatte eine Affäre mit seiner Sekretärin. Eines Tages waren sie bei ihr zu Hause und liebten sich den ganzen Nachmittag. A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.They got dressed... En gift man hade ett förhållande med sin sekreterare. En dag blir lusten för stor för dem och de for hem till henne villa där de hade vild älskog hela eftermiddagen. Utpumpade efter timmar med vild... En gift man hade en affär med sin sekreterare. En dag åkte de till hennes hus och hade sex hela kvällen. Utmattade somnade de och vaknade klockan åtta nästa morgon. Mannen klädde sig snabbt och bad... Een zakenman heeft een avontuurtje met z'n secretaresse in een hotel kamer. Na een vrij wilde middag valt de man in slaap en wordt vervolgens om 20.30 uur wakker. Geschrokken springt hij uit bed en... O executivo ficou trabalhando até mais tarde e sua secretária, tadinha, teve que ficar também. Terminados os afazeres, já eram dez da noite e o mínimo que ele poderia fazer era oferecer uma carona... A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't... Een getrouwde man heeft een verhouding met zijn secretaresse. Op een dag konden ze geen weerstand meer bieden aan hun verlangens en ze reden naar haar huis en bedreven de hele middag...
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