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Christmas Jokes

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What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing:
"All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
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Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem!
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A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.
The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
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Yo momma is so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your xbox 360.
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I wouldn’t say Harry was mean, but last Christmas Eve he fired a pistol in the garden and told the kids Santa had committed suicide.
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The Grinch didn't really steal Christmas.
He just hired Chuck Norris.
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What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
Answer:
"Halo there!"
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On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.
One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize.
"To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
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I was in New York last Christmas, its snowing, theres a guy in a t-shirt. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York, I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Youre not a реnguin. I was like, In fact sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.
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Мешање Weihnachten und Silvester verwechseln Pourquoi les programmeurs mélangent toujours Noël et l'Halloween ? - Parce que DEC 25 = OCT 31 (25 décimales (dec) Warum verwechseln Mathematiker Weihnachten und Halloween? How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25) Warum verwechseln Informatiker Halloween und Weihnachten? Oct(31) == dec(25) Proč si matfyzáci pletou Vánoce s Halloweenem? Protože DEC 25 je to samé - Kodėl programuotojai kartais maišo Helovyną su Kalėdomis? - Nes Oct 31 lygu Dec 25.
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!
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What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Policeman:
"One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper:
"Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

"Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!"
"Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"
My elephants got no trunk?
How does it smell?
Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!
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Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men?
A: Even the small ones give satisfaction.
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Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
A:
"First, YULE LOGon"!
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Santa writes to Chuck Norris about what he wants for Christmas.
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Q:What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A:Santa stops after three hos.
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Q: What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas Dinner?
A: Toast their clients.
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What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
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I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted gingеr, so no big deal.
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