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After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS...

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Judge and Court Jokes Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says,
"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sеx, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

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Eminem says "I'm not afraid".
Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Two blond girls are discussing:
"Yesterday during the blackout I got stuck in the elevator for three whole hours!"
"Tell me about it! I got stuck too in the escalators."

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Blonde Jokes

Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven.
"I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven.
But if you think one dirтy thought or act out one dirтy act your wings will fall off."
So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a nакеd woman walk by so his wings falll off.
When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Africa Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?"
Patient: "What pills?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunк guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunк, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunк says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Grandparent Jokes

A plane is descending rapidly from the air, and the passengers are all scared stiff.
Suddenly a women near the front of the plane stands up and takes off her shirt.
She proceeds to yell, "Is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?!"
She continues to yell this for about ten minutes before a man in the very back takes a stand. He proceeds to say "Yeah I can make you feel like a woman."
He then takes off his shirt and throws it towards her and says, "Here! Iron this!"

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week.
I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Doc: Do you have kids?
Me: Yes, i have 3 kids
Doc: Do you drink?
Me: Yes, i have 3 kids

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Kids Jokes

"Shay, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunк to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunк way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hеll, whaddya know?
Ive been married to one of those for years!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Science jokes Friendship Jokes

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.That was the end of the discussion.

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Communication Jokes

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside вuтт nакеd NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, nакеd and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous еrестiоn. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

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Men jokes Military Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?"
Little Johnny: "2 lions and 3 wolves."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Ваng!"

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.
They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice she isn't wearing any раnтiеs.
"Is it cooler without раnтiеs?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes

Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.
Tracy: What do you mean?
Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

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School Jokes

Yo Momma so fат, she rolled out of bed and everybody thought there was an earthquake.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes Weather jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

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