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The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunк?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hеll do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Science jokes Hotel Jokes

I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
"I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

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Men jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Why are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!

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Money jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes

Three men were talking about their teenage daughters:
The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes.
I didn't even know she smoked".
The second says "That's nothing.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vоdка.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a реnis".

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Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Money jokes Police Officer Jokes

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the вuм and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the вrеаsт.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the реnis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

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Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fitness jokes

Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: "I didn't had no fun for months."
Then she faces the class and says, "OK class, how should this be corrected?"
Little Johnny says, "I think you should get yourself a better man!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Men jokes

One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

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Old People Jokes

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

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Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Halloween Jokes Flirt jokes

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Veterinarian Jokes

Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Parent Jokes College jokes Baby Jokes

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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Little Johnny Jokes Beauty Jokes

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fuскing!"

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Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Chuck Norris takes care of his guardian angel.

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Car and driving jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Yo mamma so fат she went to Japan and Godzilla said "DАМN" and ran away.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes Japanese Jokes

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

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Technology Jokes Kids Jokes Computer Jokes IT jokes Internet Jokes

Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family.
"I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one.
"That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"

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Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Cannibal Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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