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Life Jokes

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I'm actually glad that 2 Chainz mentions his name at the begin of every song.
It gives me time to change the radio station.
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Как се казва "интелигентен човек в САЩ"? Wie nennt man einen intelligenten Menschen in Österreich? Tourist. I. Cum se cheama un barbat inteligent in America? R. Turist.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
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A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vоdка and noone to drink them!"
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Yo mama so sтuрid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
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There’s one good thing about life.
It’s only temporary.
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What has four legs but can't walk?
A chair.
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The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
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The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir:
You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here.
But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
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Why can't cinderella get in the basketball team?
Because she keeps running away from the ball.
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You WILL be a winner today.
Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
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Life’s a вiтсh, and then you’re reincarnated.
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The fastest dialog in the world:
(WC door is opening)
Man inside: Heyyy!
Man outside: Sorryyy!
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Life is an open door.
It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
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Are you free on Sunday?
The director asks his secretary.
Yes, sir.
Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.
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Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said:
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.
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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said,
"Are you two an item?"
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