Life Jokes

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said,
"Are you two an item?"

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‘I’ve found the secret of eternal youth.
I lie about my age.’
Bob Hope How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

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I tried to catch some fog earlier. I мisт.

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I went down the local supermarket, I said,
"I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said,
"Those are pickled onions'

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What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A coin!

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Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician?
Drummers.

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‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.
They lay there and looked at each other.
Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’
Steven Wright

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A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viаgrа.
Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.

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"What are you doing there?"
"I'm making something."
"What are you making?"
"A bomb."
"Can I help?"
"Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

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You know what I was thinking about right now?
What it would be like to have six fingers.... High fives would be different.

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Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

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Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

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A man walks into a chemist’s and says,
"Can I have a bar of soap, please?"
The chemist says,
"Do you want it scented?"
And the man says,
"No, I’ll take it with me now."

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I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon.
Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon.
When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money.
I didn’t need the coupon.”

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Baby, at midnight we celebrate one year from the last time you kissed me.
Look how time files!

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How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people?
You say:
“My boss is a stupidest аsshоlе!”

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Man returning with his wife from guests.
Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife.
But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman?

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Doc, isn't it harmful to drink a shot before eating?
No it's not, if you don't eat too often..

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