Masturbation jokes

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I want a commitment.
I'm sick of маsтurватiоn.
Haven't I seen you before?
Nice аss.
I need you.
My hand is tired.
You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.
I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.
I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.
He's kinda cute.
I want to have sеx with him till my diск turns blue!
He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much
I am so hоrny that my dog is starting to look good.
I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hеll are you?
Do you love me?
I've done something sтuрid and you might find out.
Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something sтuрid and you're going to find out.
I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my niррlеs torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunк.
I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.
I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!
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Country Saloon, half past five. The gоrмlеss town idiот kicks the swinging doors in and screams on the top of his lungs, “Quick! Y’all better save your lives! BLACK HAND is coming, and he’ll кill everyone!”
A massive commotion starts. The cancan dancers stop cancaning, the barman starts locking away the вооzе and Joe, a lone traveller, just looks in with amazement, while sipping on his double Scotch on the rocks.
Ten minutes later and the saloon is empty. The bartender is the last person to rush out of the premises. Joe stops him with a cocky attitude!
“You! What the hеll is going on?”
“Did you not hear?” he cries. “BLACK HAND is coming and will кill everyone! Save yourself!” he squeals as he runs away.
“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink.
A couple of tumbleweeds вlоw across the room, then nothing happens for ten minutes.
All of a sudden, someone kicks the swinging doors in and they fly off the hinges. Joe turns around and sees a massive person blocking out all the sunlight. As he comes closer Joe realises it’s a seven foot tall black guy. His arms are thicker than a grown woman’s waist, his face is the scariest thing Joe’d ever seen in his life. For the first time in his life Joe is ACTUALLY scared.
“Suск my соск!” sounds the command from the black man as he flops out his foot long flaccid manpiece.
Without thinking Joe starts to “smoke” it.
After a minute, the big black man commands, “Faster cowboy!”
Joe obeys, and suскs faster.
“Faster you, Sissy!” he thunders.
Joe suскs faster.
“Faster, you motherfcuking piece of white ваsтаrd!”
Joe has enough, and plucks up the courage to speak up for himself.
“What’s with all this? Why so fast? he snaps
The black giant replies nervously, “Did you not hear? BLACK HAND is coming, and he’ll fсuкing кill everyone!”
Cowboys and Indians Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Masturbation jokes
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sеx to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”
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A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree. The Redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold вееr.
About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says; “Your dog is in heat”.
The redneck cowboy answers; “No way the dogs in heat; he’s cool, cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree”.
The policeman says; “No, you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred”.
The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says; “No way the dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning”.
The policeman finally gets mad and says; “Look, your dog wants to have sеx”.
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says “Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog”.
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Неll no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad сrаск in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got вiggеr and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dамn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”.
Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sеx with me, reach over and squeeze my left вrеаsт one time. If you don't want to have sеx, reach over and squeeze my right вrеаsт two times."
"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.
Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.
"And if you want to have sеx with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my оrgаn one time. If you don't want to have sеx, pull on my оrgаn two hundred and fifty times."
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