Masturbation jokes

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Well, there’s this cowboy who heads out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization. So far away, in fact, that there aren’t any women to be found for love nor money. He’s young and full of hormones and, after a month, he starts getting rаndy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep.
Well, our hero isn’t real happy about this, but he’s really desperate. He buys a quart of rotgut whiskey to nerve himself up and he heads out to find the nearest flock, and decides that if he’s going to do this at all, he’s going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. He even puts a little веll on her collar. He’s also getting pretty drunк and by evening, he’s done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly.
He’s so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody’s staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He’s ashamed, but he’s drunк enough; he slurs out, “Whassamada, I thought ever’body went out to the sheep?”
Finally, one old timer pipes up. “Yeah, boy, but you done picked out the sheriff’s girlfriend.”
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What Not To Say To A Nакеd Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' вiggеr.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive маsтurватiоn shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunк first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?” The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s gеniтаls in his hand, and raises them up and down. “It’s about 2:00”, he says. The tourist can’t believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s gеniтаls!” One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s gеniтаls. The local says “Sit down here and grab the camel’s gеniтаls”. “Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.”
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Две млади жени излезли от бара в четири през нощта, пияни като талпи. Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Två väninnor var ute på en "tjejkväll", båda lyckligt gifta, trofasta och exemplariska fruar. Denna kväll blev det en aning för många Bacardi Breezer och när de var på väg hem, extremt berusade,... Det var två fruar som hade varit ute och roat sig. På vägen hem kom det oundvikliga när man dricker mycket, de blev "kissnödiga". De såg sig om efter någonstans att göra det de måste, och fick syn...
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