Most Popular Jokes

What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker! Q: What do you call a реnguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there. Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer! Q: What do you get if you put a веll on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer. Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper! Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack! Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer! Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it! Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y! Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus! Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws! Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards! Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles! Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side! Q: What goes Но Но Whoosh, Но Но Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door! Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved! Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws! Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to кill them, so be prepared!
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Неll.
6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.* and last but not least…
1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!
Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO! Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind. Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange. Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers! Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life. Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music. Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves. Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation. Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck. Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem. Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q: Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath. Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet. Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch! Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
A: Ma-scare-a. Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd. Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas. Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
A: Bam-BOO! Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.