Most popular jokes

If a girl is in love, her parents ask: Who is that idiот?
If a boy is in love, his parents ask: Idiот, who is that girl?
No matter who's in love Boys are always idiots

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Men jokes

Happiness is ...
Seeing your ex with someone ugly

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Jokes about Women

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my реnis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's реnis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

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Military Jokes

I am married, Do Not Disturb.
I am Already Very Disturbed

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Jokes

A nun leaves her cell and walks along the corridor.
"Sister Mary it seems you got out of bed the wrong side today "
Sister Mary " No, I'm in a very good mood"
Sister Mary enters the kitchen.
"Sister Mary worng side of the bed today"?
"NO" says Mary I'm FINE............
Goes to sit down to eat.
"Sister Mary" says the Mother Superior
" looks like you got out the wrong side of the bed this morning "
" FOR GODS SAKE " says Mary " I really am fine "
"Fine you may be " replies the Mother Superior " But you have Father Johns slippers on............

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Religion jokes

The quickest way to get your husband to fix something, is to get out his tools and to start the project yourself.

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Jokes about Women

Men play the game.
Women know the score.

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Men vs Women Jokes

Sluт (n):
A woman with the moral of a man

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Jokes

Dog dictionary
A.
Toilet bowl: A heavenly dispenser of nice, fresh water.
B.
Hearing: A variable skill.
Its intensity depends on whether it applies to a fridge door opening half a mile away behind three closed doors, or whether your own name is being shouted in an angry way or in a way that threatens Vet (see Vet).
C.
Garbage bin/bag: Source of food.
Spread contents over as wide an area as possible.
D.
Drooling: When humans are eating, drooling can be a very effective food-producing skill.
For best results, drool must be gotten onto the humans’ trousers/skirt.
Use also for fun – when driving in a car with humans, place head between two humans in the front seat.
Drool gently and in great volume on their arms/shoulders.
Rejoice at effects.
E.
Resting place: Anything, really.
White, freshly vacuumed surfaces with good capacity for getting hair stuck to it are best.
F.
Sofa: See resting place.
Also serves as napkin after particularly satisfying meals (see Roadkill).
G.
Vet: Sатаn, the Destroyer of Worlds, Bringer of Woe, Remover of Testicles.
H.
Leash: A device allowing you to lead your human to a place you desire.
Excellent for muscle-building exercise.
I.
Bicycle: Very good cardio equipment.
If you find the exercise/the rider too slow for you, you can increase its speed by running even closer to the vehicle and barking.
It will pick up its pace very satisfyingly.
J.
Fireworks: A sure sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end and the reign of Vets (see Vet) is beginning.
K.
Sniffing: A polite way of showing interest in the creature you are meeting.
With dogs, rестаl area is best.
When meeting humans, sniff the crotch.
L.
Roadkill: One of the most universal items you can find.
Can be used as food, deodorant or toy.

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Pet Jokes Veterinarian Jokes Dog jokes

My body is not a temple. It's more like a bar and grill

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Men jokes

Today on my channel I’ll show you how to cook chicken with potatoes. First, take a look at the chicken, please

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Boob Jokes

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Parent Jokes

Bank robber:
EVERYONE ON THE FLOORRR!!!
The girls who have OnlyFans

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Jokes about Women

Germex can кill 99.9% of germs, but Chuck Norris can кill 100% of whatever the fuск he wants

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Chuck Norris Jokes

I'd tell ya about my diск, but that would be a long story.

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One-Liner Jokes

Yo mama so fат the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

My friend came up to me at work looking depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said,
"I think I had sеx with my third cousin." I replied, "If you're that worried about it, quit counting them!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

I've seen the Traveling Wilburys. Is this the ugliest group you've ever seen in your life? You know the group is ugly when Tom Petty is the best looking guy. It's the only group where the roadies get laid first.

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Insult Jokes

Irish Saw mill Accident....
Paddy and Мiск are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.
One day, Мiск slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Мiск to the local hospital.
Next day, Раddy goes to the hospital and asks after Мiск. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Мiск out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.
A couple of days go by, and then Мiск slips and severs his leg on another вlооdy big saw.
So Раddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Мiск off to the Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies,
"He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Мiск out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Мiск comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily, Раddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Мiск to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Мiск is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says,
"He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiот put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

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Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes

In a recent drug use quiz at work, I won.
Nobody got higher than me.

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Office and Work Jokes

Most Popular Jokes