Newest jokes - Page 2829

I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups.
“How many reps would you usually do?” he asked.
“A million,” I rep lied.

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Fitness jokes

A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies,
"Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says,
"That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies,
"Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"

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Money jokes Relationship Jokes

I know my dentist loves golf, but I still hate his approach with that dental drill...
"Get in the hole!!!"

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Dentist Jokes Golf jokes

The first-time flier was very nervous as he buckled his seat belt before takeoff. He turned to the woman in the next seat and asked,
"About how often do jetliners like this crash?"
She thought a moment and replied, "Usually, just once."

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Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes

The drunк was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked,
"What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunк I can get.
When I get drunк I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said,
"You idiот!
Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunк, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They're huge metal fans

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Music and Musician Jokes

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar
The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies,
"Can't complain!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Military Jokes

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians
So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

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Science jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A drunк asked a barman, “Who did you vote for in the last election?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk politics in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “What church do you go to?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk religion in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “Can I talk about sеx?”
“Sure! Sеx is great pub talk!”
“Okay,” said the drunк, “Fсuк you.”

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Political Jokes

‘A Recruit Goes AWOL’
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office. The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?” ….
….
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull some of my teeth. The third day you issued me a jоск strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!”

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Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes Dentist Jokes American Presidents Humor

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my аrsе, he said:
“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”
“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

My daughter is worried she might have НIV because she fuскеd Charlie Sheen.
Either she’s really dumb or I had the best Halloween costume ever.

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News and Politics Jokes Halloween Jokes

An advertisement:
I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones.
Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

I can make you speak Irish
Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

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Irish jokes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare three envelopes.".

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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes Military Jokes

North Korea and the martians were fighting about who was going the reach venus first. Trump steps in and says " That doesn’t matter american is going to land on the sun first". The martians and North Korea said “you can’t land on the sun it’s to hot and you will die”. Trump said his brilliant plan that “America is going to land their at night”.

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Military Jokes American Jokes American Presidents Humor

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?
All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

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Jewish Jokes

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Веll isn't real Mexican."
It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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Mexican jokes

Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Never mind, I'm still working on it.

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Office and Work Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

BC now stands for "Before Coronavirus"
And AD is now "After Distancing"
>!Welcome to the new dark ages!<

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Coronavirus Jokes

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