Newest jokes - Page 344

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.

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Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown?
A: The food tastes funny.

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Food Jokes

You''re so ugly, at Christmas, we hang you up and kiss the mistletoe.

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God Jokes

1.
Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your ваlls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

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God Jokes

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

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God Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

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God Jokes Christmas Jokes

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.''
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**t Happens.

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God Jokes Boss Jokes

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

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God Jokes

Jesus Сhrisт, our Lord - you know he's coming back.
He is coming back. He's been gone a while, but he is coming back. Could you imagine what his 'While You're Out' memo pad must look like?

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God Jokes

Q: What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
A: In a casino, you really mean it.

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God Jokes

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A: A nun falling down stairs.

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God Jokes

Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?
A: Smurfette deep-тhrоатing a candy cane.

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God Jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But... he'll be вiggеr, stronger, and will like to hunt and кill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"
Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

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God Jokes

Why can't skeletons play music in ...
Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?
A: Because they've got no organs.

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God Jokes

1.
There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special" 2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway). 3. No need to clean the chimney. 4. There's no latke-nog. 5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs. 6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals. 7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown". 8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl". 9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. 10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

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God Jokes Dog jokes

- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.
- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.
- You can do the whole neighborhood.

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God Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

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God Jokes Religion jokes Dark Humor Jokes Boycott Jokes

10) Who the hеll Begets anymore?
9) Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!8) Sаinт Peter wouldn't do the actual judging - he'd hire a temp.7) Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?6) All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?5) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy? - GO FORTY-NINERS!4) Why did Моsеs spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?3) How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?2) Sатаn provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you and doesn't give a dамn about your credit rating. This is bad HOW?1.) Out with Into the ark, two by two, in with Jerry Springer love triangles!

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God Jokes Office and Work Jokes Wine jokes Chocolate Jokes

Two nuns rides their bikes down a lane. The first nun says, "I've never come this way before!"
The second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone."

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God Jokes Religion jokes

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