Newest jokes - Page 349

"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."

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Chuck Norris didn't go to school to learn, he went to teach.

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School Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

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Yo Momma Jokes Ugly Jokes

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?"
St. Peter asked.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,
500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: "Name them."

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Religion jokes School Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned:
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.
"And why not, darling?", the father asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

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Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dad Jokes

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!”
(”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Сhrisт so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there?
All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Q: What has a key but no lock and has space but no room?
A: A computer?

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Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Communication Jokes

Your mama is so fат, when she lies on the beach Greenpeace try to push her back in the water.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a соw, pig, and a chicken.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says "You kicked the соw so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

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Kids Jokes Pet Jokes

A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great рот.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree.
The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there.
So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, "I just got sтоnеd with my pal the monkey."
"Really" said the croc, "where is he I want some."
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said "holy shiт how much did you drink little buddy."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Drug Jokes

Patient: "Doctor, I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "I understand."
Patient: "Understand what?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances.
"What if we get lost?" says one of them.
"Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other.
"I saw it on TV."
Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger.
"Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter.
"Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."

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Hunting Jokes Friendship Jokes

I'm so hipster, even I've never heard of my favorite band.

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Music and Musician Jokes Hipster Jokes

How did the farmer find his lost соw?
He tractor down.

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Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Farmer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.

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Life Jokes

Find a sleeping person, fill their hand with shaving cream and then tickle their nose.

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April Fools' Jokes

Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it may take up to seven years!

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Student jokes Light bulb jokes Graduation Jokes Stupid Jokes

Everyone could tell our son was a Tigers fаn.
When he was handed his diploma, he dropped it.

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Sports Jokes Graduation Jokes

Q: What's in the wardrobe?
A: Narnia business.

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Business jokes

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin... that he built with his bare hands.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

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