Newest jokes - Page 375

Sid and Irv are business partners.
They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies.
Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call.
It's Irv.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sеx, lots of sеx. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sеx. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sеx. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

34 0

Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?
A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

32 0

Life Jokes

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a вееr can, two were on the phone."

35 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Phone jokes Beer Jokes

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
Pres says "You think we’re sтuрid boy?"
"We made copies of all the receipts!"

33 0

Political Jokes George W. Bush Jokes Life Jokes Stupid Jokes American Presidents Humor

I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game.
This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball".
So I adjusted my stance and took another swing.
Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball."
So I stepped back a little more and swung.
This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hеll are you talking about!
The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".

65 0

Golf jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A: A baseball bat.

32 0

Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dentist Jokes

I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

65 0

Men vs Women Jokes Relationship Jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes Polish jokes

Spilled milk cries over Chuck Norris.

32 0

Food Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Officer: "your eyes look red man have you been smoking wееd."
Suspect: "officer your eyes look glazed like you has had doughnuts."

63 0

Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes Flirt jokes

Note to self:
Don’t be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired.

32 0

Chuck Norris Jokes

Q: What does a gаy order in a Chinese restaurant?
A: Sum Yung Gi.

68 0

Food Jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Asian jokes Restaurant Jokes

Two husbands were having a conversation,
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

32 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

...and then the devil said, "Let's put the alphabet into mathematics."

33 0

Math Jokes

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

32 0

News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris invented the question mark... so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"

31 0

Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly.
She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.
One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"

32 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over
10. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.
9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.
8. Aren't you going to sтriр search me, big boy?
7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.
6. Dаrn! My radar detector must be broken again.
5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.
4. You're not going to search my trunk are you?
3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?
2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.
1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

32 0

Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Q: What is height of Stupidity?
A: A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

32 0

Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating.
The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.
The father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”
The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.
Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.
The dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.”
The little boy replied ,”Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”

34 0

Kids Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep.
The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay.
The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive.

65 0

Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Farmer Jokes Communication Jokes

Latest Jokes