Newest jokes - Page 419

Few people can go down Niagra Falls in a barrel.
Chuck Norris can go up Niagra Falls in a carboard box.

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Dear Maths,
Please grow up now and solve you problems yourself.

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Science jokes Math Jokes

A husband asks his very ill wife at the hospital:
Tell me what is your last wish?
Nothing more, I just want to check my status on Facebook.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Facebook Jokes History Jokes

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward.
"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Money jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

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Bible Jokes Christian Jokes

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Political Jokes Communication Jokes

The only exercise I have done this month... is running out of money.

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Money jokes Fitness jokes

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunк."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

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Kids Jokes Teenager and High School Jokes

May: "Why did you slap me?!"
Michael: "I didn't slap your face! I High fived it!"
May: "I'm going to tell mom on you when we go to the sea side!"
Micheal: "Uh, Shore you will."
May: "Don't be such a beach."

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Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty sit on the wall?
A: Because he wanted a photograph with Pink Floyd!
Q: And why did Humpty Dumpty have a big fall?
A: Because Pink Floyd did not turn up!

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Music and Musician Jokes

How many social media marketers does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s not about the change - it’s about engaging people in conversations about the light bulb change.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your dамn eyes off.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Your mama is so ugly that I guess you can say that the genes passed down.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Ugly Jokes

Camilla goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, whenever one suскs Charlie's соск one gets a stomach ache."
The doctor says "Have you tried Andrew's?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Q: What is astronauts favorite game in space?
A: Moonopoly.

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Office and Work Jokes Science jokes Communication Jokes

According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?
Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.

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Technology Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Computer Jokes Beauty Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes Phone jokes

So I was at Lidl earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about £200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a ALD? I told her it stood for Аrsе Licking Dog. She said Аrsе Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to liск my вuм clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.

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Dog jokes

My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position.
I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy.
He agreed with me.
I got upset that he agreed.
I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Management Jokes Communication Jokes Boss Jokes

The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day!
It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Weather jokes

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