Newest jokes - Page 429

Apple, Microsoft and Sony, among others, strive to invent the most cool device to please Chuck Norris, the fail all the time.

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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Men jokes Jokes about Women School Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes College jokes

After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University.
One of his letters home reads:

Dear Father,
University i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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Food Jokes Nationality Jokes Insult Jokes USA Jokes Political Jokes Africa Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.
Doctor:
"What happened?"
Woman:
"Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunк, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor:
"I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:
"Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunк, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor:
"You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?
1st kid says, "A computer." Teacher replies "That'd be very useful"
2nd kid says "A new lawn mower." Teacher replies with a similar response...
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don"t need anything." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something... Little Johnny replies, "Nope, i'm sure of it. Whenever my sister started going out with a NIGGЕR, i remember my dad saying, "Well, thats the last f*cking thing we need."

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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes God Jokes Science jokes

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared.
He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Church jokes

A police officer pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!!" The man now in tears and bawling said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "Oh, there's the little girl."

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Men jokes

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his реnis.
The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your реnis?"
And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Dirty jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

A Mexican and a black person jump off a bridge, who wins?
Society

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Mexican jokes Black People Jokes

A meteor did not кill the dinosaurs, Chuck Norris just went on a hunting trip.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Hunting Jokes Dinosaur jokes

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

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A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

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A man says to his wife, "I fancy кinкy sеx, how about I вlоw my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fuскing talking aren't you?"

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Love Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug all seven down almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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Lawyer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a вееr!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
"Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks.
"No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."

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