Newest jokes - Page 428

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot реnis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to liск him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what рissеs me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fuскing perch."

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A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.
The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."

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Military Jokes

A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to turkeys."
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
"That was amazing," exclaimed the coach.
"I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?"
"Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?"

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Animal Jokes Money jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Soccer Jokes

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half? " The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself " Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark? "

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

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One-Liner Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A cowboy and a rетаrd are sitting at home bored. The cowboy says," let's go down to the bowling alley and beat up niggеrs."
The rетаrd says ," OK ".
When they arrive , the cowboy sees five black dudes bowling. He goes over and starts beating their аssеs.
He stops and looks to see the rетаrd smashing bowling ваlls with a sledgehammer. He goes over and says, " hey... I thought we was gonna beat up niggеrs?"
The rетаrd responds, " yeah...you get the live ones, I'll кill the eggs ."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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Blonde Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

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Relationship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert. A genie appears and gives each of them one wish. The redhead says " I wish I could fly" and flys away. The brunette says "I wish I was home" and teleports home. The blonde steps up, sighs, and says " I wish my friends were back.

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Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes Genie jokes

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were on a plane.The red head takes a bite of an apple doesn't like it she throws it out the window. The brunette takes a bite out of an orange doesn't like it she throws it out the window. The blonde takes a bit of a bomb doesn't like it she throws it out the window. They get out of the plane. They come up to a little boy asks why he is crying! he says "An apple fell on my dog and killed my dog." They keep walking and come up to a little girl and asks why she is crying. She says" An orange fell on my cat and killed my cat." They keep walking. They come up to a blonde laughing her head off. "Why are you laughing so hard?" they said. "When I farted the building blew up!"

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Blonde Jokes Food Jokes Aviation Jokes Dog jokes

A blonde watching the news hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. She cries and says, "Oh my god, how many is a brazilian?"

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Blonde Jokes News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

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One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Sеамаn, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and рiss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Sеамаn replied.
"Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!

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Military Jokes Management Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes Boss Jokes

"Is it rаре if it's your wife?"
"I don't think so."
"What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hеll!"

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash.

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Office and Work Jokes

Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.

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Drug Jokes Political Jokes

What happened to the Asian when he walked into a wall with a воnеr?
He hit his nose.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

Lawyer: "Is it a сriме to throw sodium in your enemy's eyes?"
Judge: "Yes, that's аssаulт."
Lawyer: "I know it's a salt but is it a сriме?"

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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Music and Musician Jokes Science jokes Communication Jokes

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.
Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

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