Latest Jokes

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.
Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Student jokes Coffee Jokes
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No" she answered

"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.

"No", She replied

He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.

"I won it by betting" she stated.

"As in horses?"

"No", she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your ваlls will be square."

The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.

"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His ваlls were not square.

The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room ваnging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked.

"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the ваlls."
Дребничка възрастна госпожа влязла в Чейс Манхатън Банк и попитала дали може да си открие сметка. Един ден, една стара дама влиза в Канадската Национална Банка с голяма чанта пълна с пари. A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of... Una viejita fue un día al Banco llevando un bolso lleno de dinero. Insistía en que quería hablar con el presidente del Banco para abrir una cuenta de ahorros porque "es mucho dinero". Die Geschichte der kleinen alten Dame oder: Ideen muss man haben! En liten gammal gumma kom en dag in på en sparbank. Med sig hade gumman en ikeakasse med sedlar. Hon insisterade på att hon måste prata med bankdirektören för att öppna ett sparkonto eftersom det rörde sig om mycket pengar! Snabbt lät kassörskan... En gammal skrynklig dam klev in på en av de allra finaste bankerna. Hon gick fram till kassan och slängde upp en turkoslila bag fylld med 2 miljoner kronor i vikta 100-lappar. Kassörskan stirrade... Egy idős kis hölgy egy nap bement a kanadai nemzeti bankba egy táskányi pénzzel. Ragaszkodott hozzá, hogy a bank elnökével kíván beszélni számlanyitással kapcsolatban, mondván: "Sok pénzről van...
Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes
A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a СОW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a соw! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the соw entered...
Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Семейство пътувало и видяло "Кладенец на желанията!" Жената се надвесила и паднала, а мъжът казал: - Я, те много бързо се сбъдват! Желба The Wishing Well My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked. Un marido y su mujer están paseando por el bosque y descubren un pozo de los deseos. El marido lanza una moneda y pide un deseo... cuando la mujer se estaba acercando, de pronto se cae!... - Vaya que bien!!!... esto funciona - dice el marido. Ein Ehepaar steht an einem Wunschbrunnen. Der Mann beugt sich über den Rand, wirft eine Münze ins Wasser und wünscht sich etwas. Dann beugt sich seine Frau vor, allerdings etwas zu weit. Sie fällt... Το πηγάδι Marito e moglie stanno facendo un viaggio e si recano in un posto famoso per un pozzo dei desideri. Marito e moglie stanno osservando il pozzo dei desideri..lei si sporge troppo e cade e lui: "Perbacco, funziona!" Marito e moglie durante un tour in Inghilterra trovano una ameno villaggio che si vanta di possedere un pozzo dei desideri tra le attrazioni turistiche. Quasi per gioco raggiungono il pozzo ed il... Per il decimo anniversario di matrimonio, una coppia decide di fare un viaggio in Germania e durante il loro percorso attraverso la Selva Nera, si imbattono in un'indicazione che segnala: "Pozzo... Moglie al marito: "Guarda un pozzo dei desideri! Andiamo a vedere" Si avvicinano per guardare e.. lei inciampa e cade giù Lui. "caxo, funziona!" Um casal encontra um Poço dos Desejos. O homem se inclina na mureta e joga uma moeda. A mulher decide fazer o mesmo, mas se inclina demais e cai dentro do poço. O homem fica espantado e depois... Pewien turysta wraz z żoną oglądają słynną studnię życzeń w Kornwalii. Oboje pogrążeni we własnych myślach. Po chwili żona wychyliła się, aby zajrzeć w głąb, straciła równowagę i wpadła do środka.... Een echtpaar staat bij een wensput. De man buigt zich voorover, werpt een euro in het water en doet een wens. Dan buigt de vrouw zich voorover, maar iets te ver en ze valt in de put. De man kijkt... Et ældre ægtepar kommer til en ønskebrønd. Manden kaster en 25-øre i og ønsker. Konen tager derefter også en 25-øre og skal til at kaste den i, men kommer til at læne sig for langt ud over kanten,... Aš buvau pritrenktas, kai mano uošvė įkrito į norų šulinį. Niekada negalvojau, kad jie veikia!
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