Newest jokes - Page 457

Do you want the good news or the bad news? - Good news - We're naming a disease after you

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Bricklayer's Accident Report
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jеrкеd off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

Bricklayer's Accident Report
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

Bricklayer's Accident Report
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Bricklayer's Accident Report
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

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Jokes

- Can a woman be a president of Russia? - No, because i am not a woman

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Putin Jokes

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Jokes

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Jokes

Sometimes my code is like this. Don't know, what it does, But i am scared to delete

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Jokes

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Jokes

- What do you mean by 'etc'? - End of Thinking Capacity

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Jokes

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says:
''You're crazy.''
The man says,
''I want a second opinion!''
''O.K., you're ugly, too!''

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Life Jokes

My wife divorced me for religious reasons.
She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

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Jokes

I’ve been married for 34 years, and I’m still in love with the same woman.
If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!

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Jokes

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

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Jokes

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
"What...you coming empty handed?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jewish Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck.
The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying
"Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the crotch as hard as possible; the person who makes the least noise wins. Since the duck fell on my land I get to go first."
The hunter eager to get his prize duck, accepts. The farmer proceeds to kick him with all of his might. The hunter collapses on the ground in agony but manages not to utter the tiniest whimper. After recovering he approaches the farmer and says
"Now it's my turn, let's see if you can beat that!"
To which the farmer replies
"Nah it's okay you can have the duck."

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Jokes

Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.
Spaniard: (background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.

American: (background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

Spanish: Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

Americans: (another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.

Spanish: We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.

Americans: (heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET.

WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS.

I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.

PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!

Spanish: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency.

We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the fuск you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shiт vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks!

So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

Americans: Roger, thanks.

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American Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes Cheating Jokes Sailor Jokes

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

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Japanese Jokes

Telling Husband you are going out for the night with the "Girls"

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Jokes

I made a graph showing my past relationships.
It has ex axis and a why axis

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Jokes

- I trained the dragon - I raised the dracon. - I fuck the dragon

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Jokes

Kremlin names Trump Employee of the Month

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American Presidents Humor

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