Newest jokes - Page 456

Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
A:
"First, YULE LOGon"!

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Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Science jokes Space jokes

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?
A. Because every time she got hot, he d beat her with a shovel!

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Animal Jokes Divorce Jokes

Patient:
" I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor:
"You've had an accident involving a bus."
Patient:
"What happened?"
Doctor:
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient:
"Give me the bad news first."
Doctor:
"Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient:
"That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor:
"There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

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News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

One day the zookeeper noticed that the Orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the Orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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Animal Jokes Bible Jokes

One day a man lied down on a nudе beach. Little Johnny comes up to the man, points to his реnis and asks what it was. "Oh, that's my birdie." said the man. "Oh." little Johnny replies. The man fell asleep. When the man woke up, he found himself in the hospital. He looked around to find little Johnny at his bedside. "Hey kid, what happened?", asked the man. "Oh," says little Johnny. "I tried to pet your birdie. It tried to spit water at me, so I cracked it's eggs and burnt it's nest."

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

On Halloween, children give Chuck Norris candy.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Halloween Jokes

Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the аssаulт on Russia.
Finally, they decide to ask the French:
"When is it best to invade Russia?"
The French answered:
"We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure."
Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans:
"When is it best to invade Russia?"
The Germans answer:
"We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..."
What to do?
Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea.
So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?"
The Chinese replies:
"Right now!"
Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic...
Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes Political Jokes Russian Jokes American Presidents Humor

Men are proof that women can take a joke.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Wine jokes

Little Johnny was a chemist.
Little Johnny is no more.
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

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Little Johnny Jokes Chemistry Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The police, your entire family died in a car accident

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Knock-knock jokes

Kind of surprised hipsters haven't started tying their beard's in man buns yet.

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Men jokes Hipster Jokes

James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.
They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16.
The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.
Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.
'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Christmas Jokes Friendship Jokes Soccer Jokes

In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed whereas in college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

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School Jokes College jokes

I'm not saying I'm racist at all, but....
I put chocolate milk in back of the fridge.

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Food Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Chocolate Jokes

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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School Jokes Insult Jokes

If time is money, does that mean an ATM is a time machine? I mean, maybe it stands for A Time Machine.

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Money jokes

If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don't worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.

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Christmas Jokes Flirt jokes Love Jokes

If pretty women from the south are southern bells, would that make pretty women from Mexico taco bells?

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Jokes about Women Mexican jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Beauty Jokes

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