Newest jokes - Page 538

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

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Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hеll in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Dictionary Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes School Jokes Lawyer Jokes Banker Jokes

Monday been canceled go back to bed!

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promisedtheir Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman allhis life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the twoblondes kept their promise. They set off fromClearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up ina burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're outfar enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideandfinding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, notyet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... AgainBubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out farenough now? Once again Barbie slips over the sideand almost immediately says, 'No, this will neverdo, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbieslips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit oftime goes by and poor Bubbles is really gettingworried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surfacegasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

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Blonde Jokes

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, 'Just how long have you been waiting?'

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Police Officer Jokes

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

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Police Officer Jokes Men jokes

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left niррlе.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Phone jokes

chuck noris once threw a gernade and killed 30 people...
.................. then it exploxed

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Chuck Norris Jokes

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box.
Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars.
A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said.
"Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box."
Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

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Dirty jokes Cheating Jokes

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.
One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunк.
He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.
He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.
People offered to help him, but he said no each time.
He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.
The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you вlооdy worthless idiот, no good drunkard!
You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Love Jokes

Three men were walking along in the forest when they were captured by a group of cannibals.
The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you."
The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge.
"You most go in to the forest and pick out 10 of any fruit you find, bring those fruits back here" the king says.
The three men head out in search of their fruit.
The first man comes back with 10 apples in his hands, happy as can be.
The king then says "You must shove those 10 apples up your вuтт without making a sound."
The man reluctantly agrees to try.
He gets the first one up without a sound, but screams in agony on the second and is killed and eaten.
The second man comes back with 10 grapes in his hand.
Again the king states the challenge.
The 10 fruit up the аss, without any sound.
This is going to be easy he thinks.
He gets through the first 9 without a single sound.
Just as he is about to shove the 10th grape up he bursts out in laughter.
He is killed immediately.
The second guy still laughing meets the first guy up in heaven.
The first guy says, "What's so funny? You could have still been alive!"
He replies "I saw our buddy coming back with 10 pineapples and a huge smile."

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Cannibal Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fат. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes Fat Jokes

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad.
His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000."
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whоrеs and a fаg!"

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Dirty jokes School Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching pоrn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what pоrn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale...

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Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Life Jokes

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to кill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The native americans agreed to not кill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach.
The native american says "Shove it up your аss, if you laugh we кill you."
So, he shoves the peach up his аss and he laughs, and the native americans кill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape.
The native american tells him the same thing.
He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

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Dirty jokes USA Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Morbid jokes American Jokes

My wife and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary soon so i asked her what she wanted. She said wanted something really really shine that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her a scale.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a мurdеr case!"

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Blonde Jokes Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Police Officer Jokes Math Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

- Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
- Two mothers-in-law.

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

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