Newest jokes - Page 537

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her раnтiеs and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Неll, I can’t get into your раnтiеs!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

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A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then liск, liск and liск for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black.
He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to liск for 20 minutes.
The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hеll are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

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Dirty jokes

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend.
It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour.
Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride.
The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast."
No problem the man thinks.
They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright.
Sure enough, the light changes and they're off!
Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept:
"Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What’s so weird about that?" asks the other cops.
The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!"

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

The 21st century:
Deleting history is more important than making it.

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Technology Jokes Computer Jokes History Jokes

Little Johnny's teacher said:
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
Did you copy hers?, she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

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Police Officer Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Three women were debating about how wide their рussy are.
The first one said: "When my husband makes sеx he puts his реnis and his testicles in my рussy."
The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine."
It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her рussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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School Jokes Friendship Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't ask, "who's your daddy?"
Chuck Norris is your daddy.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Dad Jokes

I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

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Dark Humor Jokes Masturbation jokes Relationship Jokes

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door веll didn't I?"

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Pet Jokes Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

During the Cold War days, a Russian pilot is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation.
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 Fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"
He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia. In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them:
"Comrades, learn the MiG-50 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"

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Military Jokes Russian Jokes Aviation Jokes American Jokes Pilot Jokes

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

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Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.
The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.
His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to вlоw hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees.
She explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny — at the back of the class — put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting
your birds mixed up.My big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a black рескеr at the beach!"

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Little Johnny Jokes Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Men jokes School Jokes

3 dads bragging about their children's success gets a surprise when a 4th dad tells them this!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Dаrn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for"?
One of the three said: "We were talking abo ut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gаy and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes School Jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes Bureaucrat Jokes

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes Beauty Jokes

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

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Judge and Court Jokes Christmas Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Hotel Jokes

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hеll in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Dictionary Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes School Jokes Lawyer Jokes Banker Jokes

Monday been canceled go back to bed!

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

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