Newest jokes - Page 653

“It will soon be vaseline day,” said my son.
“Don’t you mean Valentines day?” I replied.
“I know what I mean, ” he answered, “by the way, I need to have a talk with you and mum. “

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Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunк mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," his pal replied.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Whats Black and don't work? (49% of the USA)

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes USA Jokes

Why is Facebook like to be in prison?
You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by people you don’t really know!
“When Mark Zuckerberg got married - Facebook raised $15 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 15 billion things she loves about him.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Investors are be able to buy shares of Facebook stock. It’s great - now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” - Jimmy Fallon
“Facebook has estimated net worth - $100 billion. That’s almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time in Facebook.” - Jay Leno
“The two main websites in the world are Wikipedia, where you can learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you can learn about people you don’t care at all.” - Craig Ferguson
“Facebook now has 0,5 billion users. The previous record holder was… hеrоin.” - Jimmy Kimmel
“Facebook has passed 500 million members. If Facebook was a country, it would be the third-largest country and the least productive.” - Jimmy Kimmel
“Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and Facebook for several hours yesterday. American productivity has jumped by 150%.” - Conan O’Brien

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Facebook Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Social Network Jokes One-Liner Jokes American Jokes

A man in a business suit was reading the paper on a crowded subway car yet no one sat within ten feet of him. A rather disheveled man sat down beside him and said, "I can tell the force is within you!"

The well dressed man looked over the top of his reading glasses and replied, "No, actually it passed about five minutes ago."

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Star Wars Jokes Men jokes

Where do you go if you become ‘at one’ with your computer?
Nerdvana.

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Programmer Jokes Computer Jokes

Q:Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?
A:Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!

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Relationship Jokes Computer Jokes

Chuck Norris once played himself in Russian Roulette, and he won.
No Questions asked.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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Facebook Jokes Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes History Jokes

What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's herd.

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Animal Jokes

Q: What do blondes and lava lamps have in common?
A: They're both nice to look at, but neither one of them is too bright.

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes

What do you call a blonde making out with a redneck while drinking вееr? A bur

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Blue Collar Jokes Blonde Jokes Beer Jokes

Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.

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Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?
Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Рlаyвоy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.

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Food Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat.
While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat.
The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God!
Help me, help me!’
His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter.
The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting!
I’m melting…!’

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God Jokes Lawyer Jokes

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!

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One-Liner Jokes Insult Jokes

A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"
The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition."
The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, аsshоlе?"

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Kids Jokes School Jokes

Little Johnny returns from school and says:
"Mam, in school we write dirтy swear-words so often!"
"But I hope you are not writing them, my son."
"No, I'm dictating them!"

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

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