Newest jokes - Page 768

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
"Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."

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You know who's mad at Kobe?
Every other player in the NBA.
You know why?
Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring.
Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum.
Cause you know how women are, man.
Women get upset:
"Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that вiтсh get my $3 million, too?"

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms.
The cashier asks him if he wants a bag.
He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."

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Dirty jokes

It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House. Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
[President Bill] Hello! Hello![Voice on the line]President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
[President Bill] Oh no!!!He said he wouldn't do that! That dirтy, rotten jеrк! Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle. President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
[Voice on the line] Mr. President, is this a drill?
[President Bill] Listen to me. We're being attacked by the Russians. Launch a full-scale response immediately.
[Voice on the line] Are you sure, sir?
[President Bill] Yes!!!Fire the missiles!!!Fire the missiles now!!!
[Voice on the line] OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
[President Bill] Thank you, son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
[Aid] Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh? Sounded real, didn't it? Attacked by the Russians! What a gag! Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill? How about a pizza or something? Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale. You OK Bill? Bill???

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Friday jokes

Fellow shows up at work Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss, figuring the guy got in a fight at a bar asks him, "Where'd you get the shiners?"

"Got 'em both in church yesterday."

"In church!?! How in the world did you manage to get two black eyes in church?"

"Well, the preacher called a hymn and as we all stood up to sing, I noticed the lady standing in front of me. Her dress was sort of stuck in the сrаск of her аss, so I reached out and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the right eye."

"Well, how'd you get the other one?"

"Well, I figured if she got that mad from me pulling the dress out of the сrаск of her аss, I'd better put it back."

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Monday jokes Boss Jokes

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

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What's The Difference Jokes

There's a easter parade in my pants...wanna go?

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Easter Jokes Dirty jokes

I don’t mean to interrupt people.
I just randomly remember things and get really excited I’m sorry.

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Bad Habits Jokes

I was walking through town earlier with my wife, when a group of teenagers shouted “Oi, mate! Your missus is seriously fuскing ugly!”
“Why don’t you just fuск off!” I shouted…
At my wife.

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Ugly Jokes

Until 1961 it was illegal to attempt suicide in the UK.
The punishment was death.

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Stupid Jokes

I like my women like I like my coffee. … …
…
…
Stuffed in a burlap sack and smuggled across Brazil.

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Sexist Jokes Jokes about Women Coffee Jokes

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirтy, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”
My husband and my vet don’t like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s рussy(cat) is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”
And he closed the door.

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Sarcasm Jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

President: I can't sign this bill, it's completely absurd. If I turn this into law it will raise taxes by 5 percent and extend the work week to six days instead of five.

Congress: Please note Mr. President on page 5027, under subsection 22, clause B, it exempts all members of the executive and the judicial branches as well as congress for life. Plus we all get a 50 percent raise and enhanced retirement benefits.

President: Perfect, got a pen?

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Retirement Jokes Office and Work Jokes Old People Jokes Political Jokes

Here lies the bones of Screwy Diск,
He spent his whole life with a corkscrew рriск,
He searched and he searched in the feudal hunt,
To find the woman with the corkscrew c*nt.
He finally found her and then dropped dead,
Cos the son-of-a-вiтсh had a left hand thread.

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Funny Poems Jokes about Women

I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice.

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Philosophy Jokes

A black guy and a Mexican jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Society

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Black People Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A beautiful woman came up to me in a bar and said, “I’m looking for Mr Right and you look like you could be him.”
I said, “You must have me confused with someone else.”
As she slowly rubbed my leg she said, “Oh I don’t think so sеxy. It’s definitely you.”
That’s when I got my passport out and said, “Look… Mr Jones, you silly вiтсh!”

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Misunderstanding Jokes Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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Love Jokes

Your mom's so sтuрid she went to the dentist for a bluetooth!!!

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Apple and iPhone Jokes Technology Jokes Dentist Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

You need to get a life outside of the internet. Go outside, look around. I'm sure trailer parks smell lovely in the morning.

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Internet Jokes Insult Jokes

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