Newest jokes - Page 804

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!)
As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.
Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.
He says to the first nun : “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the реnis of a man”?
Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says : Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven".
St. Peter says : “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”.
Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.
“Pssst - hey Bernie”!, she says.
Sister Bernadette asks : “What is it?” A little annoyed.
Sister Carmel says : “Do you mind if we swap places”?
Sister Bernadette replies : “What for”?
Sister Carmel says : “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your аss in there”!

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Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?
Reports say there’s a small medium at large!

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Prison Jokes Dwarf Jokes

Broccoli is like аnаl sеx.
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

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Gross Jokes Sex Jokes Anal Sex Jokes

Better call NASA and tell them there is only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.

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Space jokes Uranus jokes

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye
The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

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German Jokes

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels hоrny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sеx, because a dildо should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden реnis from inside. The cashier states that the dildо has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Diск, the door!”
The wooden реnis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly тhrusт itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Diск, the lamp!” The wooden реnis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to тhrusт in and out. “Voodoo Diск, return to your box!” The wooden реnis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden реnis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Diск: “The cursed dildо can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sеx toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very hоrny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Diск, my рussy!” The dildо zooms into her vаginа, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildо out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden реnis still inside of her vаginа. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Diск inside of my vаginа and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Diск my аss, вiтсh.”

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Sex Jokes Vagina Jokes

Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins… I just go to the local primary school

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Virgin Jokes School Jokes

What do lеsвiаn vampires say after sеx?
“See you next month.”

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Vampire jokes

Bully: HEY NERD WHY IS YOUR PANTS STRETCHED ALL THE WAY UP YOUR BODY HAHAHA
Class: HAHAHAHHA
Nerd: why is your тамроn in too far
Class:ohhhhhhhhhh
Bully:.....
Nerd: HA beat that!!!
Bully: checks pockets* sorry I ran out of shiтs to give you
Class: OHHHHHH
Nerd: shouldn't you be checking your mouth?
Class: DANMMMM ITS GETTING INTENSE
Bully: shouldn't you be f*cking your boyfriend
Nerd: no ill stick with your mom
Class:OHHH DANMMM OMG
bully: that's not possible your gay
Class: DANMMM IT won't STOP
nerd: I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on for me
Class: DANMMMMMM
bully: don't you mean your two dads?
Class: OHHHHHHHHH
Nerd: no I meant your sister and mom
Class: AAHHAHAHAH
bully:............
Class: HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY
Bully:fuск you
Nerd: shouldn't you be f*cking yourself your the one with the рussy it's easier...
Class:DANMMMMMMMMMM OHHHHHH
bully:........

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Comeback Jokes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Friday jokes Restaurant Jokes

Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.

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Life Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have ваlls to scratch.
Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves
Q: What did the banana say to the viвrатоr?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!
Q:Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A:The grass tickles their balls
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her вrеаsтs that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fсuкing the chickens!
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his аss.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the вrеаsт and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your воnе in.
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used тамроn and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a веnт diск?
A: FUСКS FUNNY
Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ……….. a sh1t (think about it)
Q: Why is being in the military like a вlоw-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
Q: What is a vаginа?
A: The box a реnis comes in.
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: How many Emo kids does it take to sсrеw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to sсrеw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do you кill a rетаrd?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”
Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: How do they say “fсuк you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
Q: How do you get tickets to the Тамроn 100?
A: Pull some strings.
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Military Jokes Easter Jokes

It wasn’t until my 13th birthday that I realised what a heavy smoker my dad was.
Every time a balloon burst the fire alarm went off.

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Dad Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!

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Yo Momma Jokes Ugly Jokes

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.
Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone.
But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round.

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Jokes about Women One-Liner Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

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Rude Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

“A Wife is a person who helps you through all the troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t got married.” Chapter 3, Phrase 7, “Sven’s Philosophy”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Philosophy Jokes

What do you get when a black person and a samoan have kids? Sum mo niggаz.

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Kids Jokes Black People Jokes

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

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Animal Jokes Love Jokes

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