Newest jokes - Page 805

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5.
a) Have you ever drunк cold coffee?
b) Right out of the рот?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a вееr stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15.
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16.
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20.
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22.
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?

44 0

30000 battered women in America, and all this time I've been eating them plain!

0 0

Jokes about Women Dirty jokes USA Jokes

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".
He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.
Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.
She says, "How the hеll do you know I'm blonde?".
He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

30 0

Blonde Jokes Men jokes

BBC News: Internet trolls face longer sentences.
The news comes as Twitter have announced they will be increasing the number of characters from 140 to 200.

0 0

News and Politics Jokes Social Network Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Internet Jokes

What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
The car salesman can probably drive!

19 0

Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.

One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

Chuck Norris's wish isn't your command, Chuck Norris's command is your wish...

31 0

Chuck Norris Jokes

"For love on the first sight, there's a tremendous medicine!"
"What medicine?"
"To get another look...!"

29 0

Dirty jokes Love Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on top of a cliff.
A magical bird flies to them and tells them that each one of them can jump off the cliff and wish to be one thing to fly away on.
They will become that thing and can escape from their arduous situation.
The redhead goes first.
She jumps and says "eagle!".
She turns into an eagle and flies away.
The brunette jumps off and says,"hawk!" she turns into a hawk and flies away.
The blonde takes a running start, trips on a rock as she nears the edge. "Oh сrар!" she yells.

30 0

Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes

A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic. Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm. Then follow the plow to safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she followed it. After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing. She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"

69 0

Blonde Jokes

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part I
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sеxuаl insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes American Jokes

Whenever I get down to my last $3, I'd always head to the nearest 7-11 -- the white trash casino -- and I'd buy a 40-ounce of вееr and a lottery scratch ticket. I would drink the вееr, and I'd scratch the ticket And it'd always be some game with some dream come true name -- you know, like, 'Рот of Gold' or 'Win the Millions' or 'Money Stack' -- and there's a picture of a big stack of money on the ticket. I think a better name for those games would be 'Spend the Child Support.' And what you do is scratch the money from a baby's mouth.

0 0

Money jokes Blue Collar Jokes Beer Jokes

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

26 0

Dark Humor Jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, handing the overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

43 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Yo mama is so skinny that she eats a nut and thoughts that she’s pregnant...

26 0

Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets.
They do so within groups of 40.

26 0

Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Science jokes

When Chuck Norris was a kid he taught his parents to stay away from strangers.

25 0

Kids Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having s*ex with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say "Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet."
The man get in the closet and little Johnny says:
"Dark in here isn't it?".
The man is startled but then calms down. "Yes it is."
"Do you want to buy my baseball glove?"
"No."
"I could go to my dad."
"Fine. How much?"
"200$"
"Fine."
This happens again later in the week.
"Dark in here isn't it?"
"Yes, yes it is."
"Do you want to buy my baseball bat?"
"How much?"
"300$"
A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.
"I can't. I sold them to my friends."
"For how much?"
"500$"
"That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession. They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.
"Dark in here, isn't it?"
The reverend says:
"Don't start that shiт again. Your in MY closet now."

0 0

Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream.
They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"
So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts."
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

27 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Weather jokes

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.

27 0

Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Latest Jokes