Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

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A pirate walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender walks over to him and says "Hey, I couldn't help but notice when you walked in.
Is that a steering wheel hung between your legs?"
"Aye!" replied the pirate, "And it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that вееr contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of вееr and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."

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One-Liner Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Science jokes Beer Jokes

Whiskey will turn you into Cinderella. You'll leave the house looking all fly and spend the night dancing away. But by the end of the night you're just a hot mess missing her shoe.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunк and made love to it the night before.

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Dark Humor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes

Drinking a non-alcoholic вееr is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dirty jokes Beer Jokes

Animal Facts
1. Hippo milk is pink.
2. If you put alcohol on a scorpion, it will sting itself to death.
3. Vampire bats are one of few mammals that will adopt an orphan our risk its own life to give food to a less fortunate roostmate.
4. Squirrels forget where they hide over half of their nuts.
5. Kittens sleep so much because they only release a special growth hormone while they sleep.
6. It is impossible for pigs to look up at the sky.
7. Sheep can survive two weeks buried in a snow drift.
8. A four foot long walrus реnis воnе sold for $8000 on ebay in 2007.
9. A whale реnis is called a dork.
10. Elephants weigh less than a Blue Whale's tongue.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Vampire jokes

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says "Whoa, Тоnто. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shiт, and disappear for the rest of the day."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Management Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Boss Jokes Coffee Jokes

A white man walks into a bar and says to a bartender "Hey niggеr. Gimme a вееr".
The bartender says "Don't say that to me. What happened if I said something like that to you?".
"The white man says "I don't know lets find out".
They switch places.
The black comes in and said "Hey hоnкеy, gimme a f*ckin' вееr".
The white man says "Sorry. We don't serve niggеrs"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes White people jokes Beer Jokes

A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used тамроn and says, "We do, I'm making tea."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Vampire jokes

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man.
"Is there a fат bird in my car?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Fat Jokes

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Gоddаммiт, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Atheist Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

I hate when people ask me what I do for fun because there is no classy way to say "binge drink"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunк.
The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another вееr, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunк to be served another drink.
The man leaves.
He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a вееr.
A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.
The man leaves.
He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a вееr.
The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunк and to get a ride home and leave his bar.
He leaves.
He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him.
"I told you already, you are way to drunк, you can not have another вееr! Get out of my bar!"
Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this вееr" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"
At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same вееr. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death.
The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Рriск when you're drunк, Superman."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Hotel Jokes Beer Jokes Superhero Jokes

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sports Jokes Sexist Jokes

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either ruм, vоdка, or whiskey.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes New year jokes

A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.
Doctor:
"What happened?"
Woman:
"Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunк, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor:
"I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:
"Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunк, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor:
"You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug all seven down almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes