Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this вееr, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his вееr saying, "So did I!"

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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled "last call"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Неll. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Неll, and the angel agrees. He gets to Неll and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a вiтсh when we were alive! Неll looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Неll says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Неll."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes

How do you know when a crab is drunк?
It walks forwards.

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of вееr. I’d like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that."
"Why not" asked the customer?
"Because that’s my husband."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Beer Jokes

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

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Police Officer Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Political Jokes Scottish Jokes

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Business jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beauty Jokes

When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents.
I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Graduation Jokes

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

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Friendship Jokes Nationality Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two drunks are walking along.
One drunк says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunк stops and looks at his drunк friend.
"You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunк.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunк looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

To me, drinking responsively means don't spill it.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Dirty jokes Drug Jokes Music and Musician Jokes What's The Difference Jokes Military Jokes

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane вооzе and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover!
NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in Perth!"

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Men jokes Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Aviation Jokes Australia Jokes Fart Jokes Bad Habits Jokes Phone jokes

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.
"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of вееr left, so I let my baby brother have it."

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Dad Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Baby Jokes Beer Jokes

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little рiss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink."
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunк slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink."
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
To which, the drunк replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Business jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

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One-Liner Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

College student
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic вееr bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have
25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half nакеd men or women (whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
37. If you get more e-mail than mail.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women School Jokes Men jokes College jokes Student jokes Banker Jokes Beer Jokes