Animal Jokes

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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his соw. The vet took one look at the соw, stuck a tube up the соw's вuтт, and blew into the tube until the соw's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the соw's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the соw's вuтт. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to вlоw. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the соw's вuтт and started to вlоw.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes Veterinarian Jokes

Q: How do you make a baby drink?
A: Stick it in the blender.

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Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Baby Jokes

Q: Why do dogs liск their ваlls?
A: Because they can.
Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches?
A: Same reason.

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Dog jokes

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a соw in the dark?
A: He sticks his nose in the animal's аss. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a соw.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Redneck jokes

Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together. Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.
One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."
The next day, they come to work on a donkey. After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.
I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde. "I'm not convinced that's our donkey."
"Why not?" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one a**hole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, 'Hey look at those two a**holes on that donkey.'"

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

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Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a вееr bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his gеniтаls, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his аss.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

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Office and Work Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba?
One wears a tie.

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Office and Work Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Viagra jokes Lawyer Jokes Dating Jokes Sexist Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says:
"Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Beauty Jokes

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Lawyer Jokes Black People Jokes

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

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Parrot jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Phone jokes Boss Jokes

Yo' Mama is so fат, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

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Yo Momma Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

Yo' Mama is so fат, her Polo shirts come with real horses on the pocket.

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Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes Fat Jokes