Cheating Jokes

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A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
"I win!" said Johnson.
Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

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Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says:
“I have to be careful not to get pregnant.”
Jenny looks confused. “But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy.”
“He did.” says Jo. “That’s why I need to be extra careful.”

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Whats the 3 worst words you can hear whilst having sеx?
Honey, I’m home!

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him nакеd down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy’s соск, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my diск, are you?”
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says:
“Nope. You are. I’m setting the garage on fire.”

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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.

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I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

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Cheating is not an accident.
Falling off a bike is an accident...
You don't just trip and fall into a vаginа.

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Why was the skeleton not upset that his wife had an affair? He didn’t have a jealous воnе in his body.

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God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.
The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.
The third guy never cheated on his wife at all and was the most faithful he could have possibly been, so God gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive around in heaven.
Sometime later, the first and second guy found the third guy sitting down crying. When they asked him what was wrong, he said "I just saw my wife riding down the road on a skateboard."

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Three friends die and go to heaven...
And meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.
God turns to the first man and asks how many times he cheated on his wife, to which the man responds "twice." God flips through the big book, and sure enough, the man was telling the truth. "Since you were honest, you can get into heaven, but for cheating on your wife twice, you have to drive this 1996 Chevy Lumina for eternity," and he hands the man the keys.
God then looks at the next man and asks the same question. "I cheated on my wife 10 times," the next man replied nervously. God opened his big book, flipped through and saw that the man was telling the truth.
"For cheating on your wife 10 times, you will drive a rusty 1977 Ford Pinto for eternity" and hands the man the keys.
God then turns to the third man. "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"I never did."
God looks at the man skeptically and replies "You know if you lie to me, you will have to spend eternity in hеll. I'll give you one more chance to tell the truth. How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"I didn't cheat on her, God, I was always faithful."
"Very well then." God said, and flipped to the man's name in his book.
God looks up at the man, surprised, and says "Well what do you know? You were telling the truth! Here's a Ferrari Enzo made of solid gold to drive forever! Now go enjoy heaven, my children."
They all start driving into heaven, but then the first two men see the golden Ferrari stopped at the gate. They go to see what the problem is, and the driver is crying in the front seat.
"You are in heaven and you get to drive a car made of solid gold until the end of time, what could possibly be wrong?"
"I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

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When two men have sеx what position are they going to be in?
But what about when two dogs have sеx?
That means that the two men are having sеx doggy style then what ways are the dogs having sеx?
That means that the dogs are having an affair with the men to have sеx doggy style.

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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything... What about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, desperate: Maybe alternate medicine?
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist... You can go to the spa up the road everyday and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? That will help?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt.

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It’s coming to that day again when I make a resolution not to cheat on my wife for the rest of the year.
December 30th.

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Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a nакеd man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s 1not even a member of this golf club’

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Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

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Looking back, I can pinpoint the precise moment that my marriage turned sour.
We were in bed, kissing and caressing each other, running our hands up and down each others bodies, experiencing wave after wave of pleasure.
After what seemed like hours, we brought each other to a shuddering сliмаx and I held her in my arms.
She brought her lips close to my ear, to whisper words of love…
And that’s when my wife walked in.

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whоrеhоusе.
The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whоrеhоusе and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whоrе house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”.
The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S FСUКING MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”.

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When I was fuскing this girl last night, she called out my brothers name instead of mine, what did I expect though, they’d been married 20 years.

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WOMEN: Prevent your husband from cheating on you by shаgging him every now and again

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