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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of вiтсhеs who want off, get the hеll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of вiтсhеs who are getting on, get your аssеs in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are рissеd off about the two hour delay, please see the вiтсh in the kitchen."
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss.).
Every Gаy down in Gayville liked Gаy Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!
The Grinch hated happy Gаys! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't sсrеwеd on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.
"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gаy Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gаy Marriage from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
All the Gаy girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gаy down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gаys would start kissing!
"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"
"All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.
Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gаy benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.
Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gаy-bar keys! He took the Gаy Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gаy birdseed bag!
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gаy behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."
It was quarter past dawn... All the Gаys, still a-bed,
all the Gаys still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gаys!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gаy Marriage is coming!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gаys down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gаy down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gаys say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gаy."
And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!
And the Gаys had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gаy and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gаy birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gаy Rainbow Flag!
The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."
The Moral of the Story...
The moral of this story is that we don't need a piece of paper and the approval of the state to get married. We can just get married. Instead of having a committment ceremony, we can have a wedding. Instead of partners, we can have husbands and wives. Instead of calling our relationship a Domestic Partnership or a Civil Union, we can call it a Marriage.
Whether any government recognizes it is separate from what we call it. It's a free country and we can call ourselves what we like. In 5 or 10 or 20 years, with plenty of visible same-sеx married couples, the world won't see us as strange or scary, we're just the married couple down the street that happens to be gаy. Eventually, the legal recognization of our marriages will follow.
If we allow ourselves to voluntarily sit in the back of the bus, we'll never make any progress. Rosa Parks had to sit in the front of the bus to make a difference. We must as well.
Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton.
Permission granted to copy in whole, with attribution.
This is a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
Being a man definitely has its perks...
1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your оrgаsмs are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your рuвiс area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No маxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.
37. The world is your urinаl.
I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said:
"Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the diск underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills.
He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.
That night, they make love for one hour.
The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours.
The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call.
A little boy answers the phone.
Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks.
"I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says.
"Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my аss hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?