Dark Humor - Page 9

Me: "What are you guys yelling about?"
Them: "You're driving!"

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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

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Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Prison Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

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Dark Humor Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you.
Please come again."

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Funeral jokes Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Customer service jokes

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow.
The diner agrees.
The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the теsтiсlе dish.
When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small.
He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".

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Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dаммiт, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dаммiт, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DАММIТ I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dаммiт, I missed".

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God Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Priest Jokes Golf jokes Priest Jokes

Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
Please do not die Kevin Bacon.

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Dark Humor Jokes Funny Quotes

A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.
He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Нiтlеr couldn't?
Ended a race.

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Dark Humor Jokes Hitler Jokes

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

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Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes

My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?"
He said, "A bus passed over his finger!"
I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause."
My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"

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Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics?
Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.

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Mexican jokes Sports Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!

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Dark Humor Jokes Aviation Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Morbid jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

Crocodiles are easy. They try to кill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)

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Funny Quotes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

How are a lawyer and a рrоsтiтuте different?
The рrоsтiтuте stops fuскing you after you’re dead.

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Lawyer Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes Relationship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dad Jokes

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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