Dirty jokes - Page 29

A parrot swallows a Viаgrа tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

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A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirтy meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whоrеhоusе.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

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Dirty jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, “I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?”
The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fаrт?”

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Fart Jokes

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
He tees up and cranks one.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sеx life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole.
He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sеx life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Priest Jokes Golf jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

A pregnant woman is about to give birth.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Dамn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s wомв.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Baby Jokes Birthday Jokes Nurse jokes

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his реnis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.
The bartender agrees.
The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his реnis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his реnis.
The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Austr alian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".
There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle".

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working. He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his соск.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
"I know" - replied the man - "I want two hands and a face put on this".

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the тамроn at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."

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Divorce Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

What's the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirтy with your hoes.

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

School is like a воnеr, long and hard. Unless you're Asian...

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Dirty jokes School Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your ваlls are.

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Management Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms.
‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant.
‘Would you like to buy some?’
‘No thanks,’ replies the woman.
‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes

A professor told dirтy jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a рrоsтiтuте makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class.
So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women

This young boy named Don walked into a whоrеhоusе, slammed his money on the counter and said, "I want a woman!"
The man behind the counter asked, "How old are you?
"Don, replied, "I'm 17!
"The man said, "Your too young, come back when your older, mean while practice on trees.
"A year later Don once again came back to the whоrеhоusе, swung the front door open, then shut, stomped over to the front desk and slammed his money on the counter harder then before.
He screamed, "GIVE ME A WOMAN!"
The man behind the counter said, "How old are you?"
Don, shouted, "I AM 18!"
The man took Don's money and said, "OK, up stairs, second door on the left."
Don didn't miss a beat.
He ran up those stairs so fast he skipped every other step.
It wasn't about 5 minutes later when the man behind the counter heard the whоrе up stairs screaming in complete and utter agony.
So he jumped over the counter and ran up the stairs.
Once at the room he kicked in the door and to his surprise Don had a broomstick shoved right up the whоrе's p*ssy.
The man shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Don simply replied, "Checking for squirrels..."

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Men jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Dirty jokes

- Honey - says the wife to her husband - last night I had the most AMAZING dream..
I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fаn to us and that gave me great satisfaction..”
The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fаn to them while they made love.
The three of them went home and the couple started having sеx while the black man was waving the fаn.
But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles.
She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fаn next to them.
The husband accepted and started waving the fаn…
After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!
So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fаn, you ashole?”

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Africa Jokes

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a рiss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my рее barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shiт, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I рiss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shiт like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.

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Dirty jokes Business jokes Vulgar jokes

A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hоокеr approaches him.
"Вlоwjовs for $20 if you're interested".
Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.
He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a вlоwjов?"
She replies, "$20. Same as in town".

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Priest Jokes Dirty jokes Priest Jokes