Divorce Jokes

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Bridge to Hawaii Der Geist in der Flasche One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish. A man was strolling along a beach in California. À Brest, un retraité est en train de biner son jardin lorsqu'il tombe sur une vieille lampe à huile, comme celle d'Aladdin. A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man... En man är ute och promenerar på en strand i Kalifornien och funderar över livet när han helt plötsligt utbrister: - "Herre, uppfyll en önskan åt mig!" Plötsligt fylls himlen av mörka moln över hans huvud och han hör Gud säga med mörk röst: -... Een man wandelde op het strand en was in diep gebed verzonken. Plots zei hij luidop: "God, laat me één wens doen". De lucht brak open boven zijn hoofd en de luide stem van God riep: "Omdat jij mij... Mies kulki yksinään rannalla ja löysi pullon lojumassa hiekassa. Hän kurkottui poimimaan pullon ja veti korkin ulos. Savupilven keskeltä tuli esiin henki. Henki kiitti nopeasti miestä vapaudestaan...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another
wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!"
The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them. I’ll refund your money next year."
"Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
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Дружење Разговор — Чула, ти розсталася з хлопцем. Чому? — А ти би змогла жити з людиною, яка палить, п’є, лається матом, та ще й б’ється? — Звичайно ні! — Ось і він не зміг. - Защо се разделихте със съпруга си? - А ти би ли издържала да живееш с човек, който пуши, пие, обижда те и те бие? - И той не издържа! Mama pyta Jasia: - Jasiu dlaczego nie bawisz się już z Kaziem? - Mamo, a czy Ty byś chciała się kolegować z kimś kto pali, pije i przeklina? - Nie Jasiu. - No widzisz, Kaziu też nie chce. C’est un type qui dit à un de ces copains : - Je vais divorcer. - Ah bon, pourquoi ? - Tu supporterais toi, d’être avec quelqu’un qui boit, qui fume et qui rentre à n’importe quelle heure ? - Non !...
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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sеx.
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Signs You're No Longer in College...
- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
- You attend parties that the police don't raid.
- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
- You refer to college students as "those kids."
- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just вееr, вееr and вееr.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
- Naps are no longer weekday options.
- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato сhiрs.
- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
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Valentins-Briefe Ημέρα του Αγίου Βαλεντίνου... Седмица преди 14-ти Февруари Siamo all'inizio di febbraio e un tizio entrato in un ufficio postale nota un signore che in un angolo riempie una pila di cartoline У поштовому відділенні лисуватий чоловік середніх років стоїть біля прилавка і методично ставить штамп "З любов'ю" на яскраво-рожеві конверти із зображенням сердечок. Потім він дістає флакончик і... Een jongen loopt op een dag een postkantoor binnen en ziet daar in een hoek een kalende man van middelbare leeftijd die bezig is met het plakken van "Liefdes" postzegels op helderroze enveloppen... Egy nő sorban áll a postán, amikor észreveszi, hogy előtte egy középkorú, kopaszodó férfi rengeteg, szívekkel teli képeslapra kis szívecske-bélyegzőt nyomkod, majd elővesz egy parfümös üveget, és... Ein Mann kommt in die Post und sieht einen anderen Mann Stanz- und sprühen Parfüm auf Hunderte von Valentinstag Karten. "Warum sind Sie all die Karten senden?" "Ich bin signieren sie 'guess who',...
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get sсrеwеd!"
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