Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A pregnant lady learns from her dentist that she needs a root canal.
She says to the dentist, "dаrn ... I'd just as soon give birth as have a root canal".
The dentist replies, "well, make up your mind so I know what position to put the chair in".

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Dentist Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes Communication Jokes

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"

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Geek jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes Nurse jokes

Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.

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Dark Humor Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Cannibal Jokes

"I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a lettuce stuck in my bottom!"
"Good grief" the doctor replies "I'd better take a look"
"It's worse than that" the doctor says after the examination - "thats just the tip of the iceberg"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

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Dirty jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Flirt jokes Gynecology Jokes

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!

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IT jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Internet Jokes

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

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Golf jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Sexist Jokes Stupid Jokes

A Marine was going in for his physical.
He had celebrated his 45th birthday that weekend.
After taking all the tests, the blood other fluids.
He was now waiting for the DR. in an office on the table in a paper outfit.
The DR came in.
After looking over all the notes, the Marine was asked if he had an active sеx life.
Straight-faced, the Marine answered. "Yes, Sir.'
Asked how often, the Marine thought, "I cannot honestly answer that question, Sir."
Turning to look at the Marine he was asked, "Why not?"
Smiling the Marine stated. "One of the samples that were needed, I asked for some assistance. A nice Lady came in to help me. Would that count?"
The DR. signed the paperwork.
Walked out of the office saying, "Get dressed. You're fine."

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
"Cool,- says the second kid.
"What are you in here for?"
"A circumcision."
"Whoa! - exclaims the second kid. "Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized pe-nises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated pe-nises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?
You idiот, women don't have pe-nises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Military Jokes

A husband asks his very ill wife at the hospital:
Tell me what is your last wish?
Nothing more, I just want to check my status on Facebook.

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Facebook Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes History Jokes

Camilla goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, whenever one suскs Charlie's соск one gets a stomach ache."
The doctor says "Have you tried Andrew's?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Q: What do you call a family full of cancer patients?
A: Jason Voorhees' relatives.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Management Jokes Stupid Jokes

Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family."
Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes