Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

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A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean роliо?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Psychiatrist:
"What’s your problem?"
Patient:
"I think I’m a chicken."
Psychiatrist:
"How long has this been going on?"
Patient:
"Ever since I was an egg!"

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Animal Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed, and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you - it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment... until you hear three short knocks."

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.
I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Fitness jokes

I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they're gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn't marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it's like? It's like I finally banged a rock star, but he's with a Christian band.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes USA Jokes Lawyer Jokes Christian Jokes

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

When Chuck Norris first saw Dragon Ball Z he thought it was a series of easy workout videos.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Fitness jokes

A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through.
The doctor asked her:
"What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?"
The woman tells him only:
"Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left вrеаsт."

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

Mary, a hоrny and sеxy 23 year old and a handsome, single, sеxy doctor Matt have an appointment together.
Doctor: Well what's your problem madam?
Mary: Well, there's something wrong with my tongue.
Doctor: What's wrong with it?
Mary: Examine it and you'll see.
Doctor: Why don't you just-
Mary: EXAMINE IT!
Doctor: Fine. (Starts examining tongue, confused as there is nothing wrong with it.)
Mary: (Suddenly pushes tongue into Matt's mouth)
Doctor: (Pulls out tongue, furiously) Oh, so that's what's wrong with your tongue, eh? It's wanting sеx. I see. I can fix that. (Goes to lock door, and rips off all of his clothes) Now your turn.
Mary: Wow. I should have just asked.
Doctor: (Starts to plunge in and out his diск from Mary's рussy.) Do you wanna make it more enjoyable?
Mary: (Moaning and groaning sexually) Ooooooh yes.... Baby..... Yes....
Doctor: Ooooooh it feels SOOO good. (Starts to moan and groan sexually, he suddenly сuмs)
Mary: Aaaaah a baby, fuск me more!
Doctor: (Goes on top of Mary) I'm fuскing you as hard as I can!
When the session is finished, Mary wants to tell Matt something.
Mary: That was great. But do you know why you got so aroused before?
Doctors: Yes. It was very strange, I was not hоrny before.
Mary: My tongue had viаgrа powder on it. That's why I put my tongue in your mouth.

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes Single People Jokes

There is one TV psychologist who is a compulsive over-eater. They call him Doctor Fill My Craw.

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know, love, it’s me.”
- -------------
There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had вrеаsтs of different sizes.
One was so small,
Really nothing at all,
The other was huge, it won prizes.
- -------------
A worried young man from Kabul
Founds lots of red circles on his тооl.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!”
- -------------
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his рескеr’s, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
- --------------
There was an old woman from Australia
Who painted her аrsе like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
the art devine,
The aroma, alas, was a failure.
- --------------
There once was a man from Kent
Whose соск was so long it was веnт.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
- --------------
There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
And opened her сrаск,
And now she owns the casino.
- --------------
There was this lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Funny Poems Math Jokes Australia Jokes

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

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Old People Jokes Sports Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viаgrа.
The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sеx anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t рее on my shoes.”

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Sex Jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Viagra jokes

My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot.
I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Ugly Jokes

Yo mama so sтuрid, she went to the eye doctor to get an iPhone.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes

Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

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Business jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Boss Jokes