Friendship Jokes

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool;
Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.
‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat.
‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied.
‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted
‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’
‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.

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Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

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Friendship Jokes Attitude Jokes

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his.
But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sеxy she is.
Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”

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Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said,
"Yes."
... He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy?
Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy.
Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy.
Teacher: What about you Sean?
Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy…

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes School Jokes

Saul and his friend Moshe, (who’s looking a little depressed) are at a synagogue talking. …
…
“Moshe, I’ve seen you feeling a little down over the past few times. Is everything all right?” asks Saul. …
…
“My son is getting married next week” says Moshe. …
…
“But Moshe, many of our congregants’ sons are getting married. That’s not a cause for concern. Say, what’s the name of the lucky bride?” …
…
“It’s Tyrone” says Moshe.
“Well I totally understand why you’re feeling sad. Tyrone is definitely not a Jewish name.” says his friend Saul.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Friendship Jokes

It’s nice to know that whatever problems you have and share on Facebook, there is always someone in your friends list that’s willing to “like” it for you.

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Facebook Jokes Friendship Jokes Internet Jokes

After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other.
One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life.
After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something.
"So, what’s up man?"
"It’s a shiттy period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad."
"What is going on?!
"Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the сhiрs and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars."
"How did it go?"
The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something.
"Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23."
"And it went out again?"
"No! This time came out a вlооdy 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after."
"I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the ваlls."
The other friend, continuing to chew louder:
"What do you think I’m doing?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs. ” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, вlоw-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. “How is everything? ” asked Chuck. “We’re moving ” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood. ”
“Why? What happened? ” replied Chuck. The neighbor replied:
“Some sick ваsтаrd dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage. “

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’
‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend.
‘No,’ replies the woman.
‘He wants to be cremated.’

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Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes

Having mutual friends with someone doesn’t mean you should add them on Facebook.
It’s like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, “Hey we both know Tom, Chris, and Samantha. You mind if I come in?”

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Facebook Jokes Friendship Jokes Internet Jokes

James Bond got this email from a friend:
CanYouPleaseFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Friendship Jokes Computer Jokes

I can honestly say in all our years of friendship, I have never heard anyone question John’s intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on John’s part.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Michael was selling a fine horse, and his friend Liam came over with the intention of buying it. "How much is it?" asked Liam, and Pat told him "500 dollars." Liam was startled, and said,
"But sure, I could give only 25 dollars for even such a fine horse."
"Done!" said Michael. Liam was surprised again. "How is it you came down so fast?" Michael smiled and said,
"25 dollars is what he's worth, all right, but you're my friend, and I thought you'd like owning a 500 dollar horse."

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Business jokes Friendship Jokes

I'm the only single guy left out of all of my friends. I'm the last man standing. It's like my buddies and I were in a war movie, where we're storming the beach with machine gun nests, only instead of bullets, they're shooting rings.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes

I once thought I had a Japanese friend…. But it was just my imagine Asian.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes Asian jokes Japanese Jokes

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies dead.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Friendship Jokes

Gаys are very sociable types.
They like to widen the circle of their friends.

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Friendship Jokes

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.
And this one's even better because it locks..."

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Business jokes Friendship Jokes

I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.

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Facebook Jokes Friendship Jokes