God - Page 15

God liked Saturn so much he put a ring on it.

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Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road.
He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride.
A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?"
"And what makes think he's not?"
The black pastor snaps back.
The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision.
When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Сhrisт himself.
He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"

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A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool.
The Peacher asked God:
"Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?"
God Replied:
"He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."

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A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

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When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared.
Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words:
FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN SUСК MY DIСК!
You can’t get me thunder, cause you’re just God’s farts.

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God Jokes

"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"
Sony 16:9

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So God is getting a bit bored in heaven, and he asks his archangel Michael, "Michael, I need to get away from it all for a bit. Where should I go to clear my head?"
Michael replies, "Well, you could always go to Pluto. You could go create a mountain and ski, have a bit of fun."
God says, "No, I don't think so. I don't do so well with the cold, and frostbite was definitely not one of my better creations."
The archangels says, "Alright, well you could always try Mercury. It's nice and warm, you could just take a bit of time to relax, get a nice tan."
"Michael," God says, "do you see how white I am? I would burn to a crisp."
Michael replies, "Alright, well then why don't you go to Earth?"
"Fuск that," God says, "last time I went there I got some girl pregnant and I never heard the end of it."

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And God said, "Eat from any tree except that one, that's Chuck's tree."

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion."
"I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

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Why do black people have white hands?
They were up against the wall when God spray painted them!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes God Jokes

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."

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A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."

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So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Dамn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Сrар, a talkin muffin!"

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God Jokes

Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: They're always talking about God.

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God Jokes Atheist Jokes

God tried to make everyone different. He got bored by the time he got to China.

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You're the reason God created the middle finger.

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This dudes walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunк. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him. "Aye you!" he shouts ."I've shagged your mom!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings. Half an hour later the drunк stands up and renews his abuse. "Aye you!" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mom up the аss!" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with his friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunк pipes up once again. "Aye you, your mom suскеd my diск!!" By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and retorts, "For god sake Dad go home, you're embarassing me!"

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Question: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness?
Answer: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Сhrisт!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your аss!"

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Did you know that heaven and hеll are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hеll was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Sатаn, you have to rebuild this fence." Sатаn agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Sатаn!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Sатаn. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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