Jokes about Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

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My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.
After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urinе. After another three days I could no longer recycle my рiss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.
So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

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Australia Jokes

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sеx with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sеx. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I… What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I - what Street?”
“Cameo Street” he replies.
“This is unbelievable…” she says, “… what number?”
He says, “Number 20” and she is totally astonished.
“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”

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A man and wife are about to take a trip to Sidney Australia. The man goes up to the Southwest ticket counter and he buys one ticket. The ticket sales man ask the husband, "What about your wife?"

The husband replies, "You advertise, 'All Bags Fly Free'!"

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An Indian Mystery revealed
Finally someone has cleared this up for me…
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won:
-
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide
B - Convenience store in Melbourne
C- Service station in Perth,
D- Kebab shop in Brisbane
E- Take away cafe in Sydney
If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.

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A Texan is visiting Australia for the first time; He sees a sheep and starts laughing; he says to his Australian guide " oh, at home in Texas, sheep are twice as big!" He then sees a соw ands bursts " Рuff, in Texas, our cows are much, much вiggеr!" And suddenly, he sees a kangaroo and asks, "What's that?" the guide answers " oh, that's just a grasshopper...”

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Australia Jokes

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.
Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

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It’s interesting to know that in Australia on average you are twice as likely to get killed by a terrorist than by a cricket ball.

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Australia Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullsh1t session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”
The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”
The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with рussiеs this big.” (He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish justice.)
“I can’t believe you mate” the Aussie remarked.
“How do you sсrеw them then?” asked the Yank.
“They stretch man, they stretch.”

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TEACHER: Alice, go to the map and find Australia
ALiCE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Now, class, who found Australia?
CLASS: Alice!

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Two Aussie men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies (a small parrot native to Australia), one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun.

The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.

As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.

They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!”

The second guy lets out a groan and says, “I’m really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

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Driving down the street in Sydney, Australia, I was pulled over and given a ticket for "failing to yield to a leaping marsupial".

And then I knew the fix was in, when on the citation it stated that I was to appear in Kangaroo Court!

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Australia Jokes Animal Jokes

“What’s the rugby score?” I shouted to my wife from the kitchen.
“Well, England were winning, but Australia are scoring a point every second,” she shouted.
“The score’s the one above the timer,” I shouted back.

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I read that when you flush a toilet in Australia, the water goes the opposite way to toilets in England.
That must make one hеll of a mess.

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Shortly before his death, Don Bradman, who famously averaged 99.94 in cricket Tests for Australia, was asked what he thought his average would be against the then poor England team.
“About 50 or 60,” he replied, after thinking for a minute.
“Surely it would be much higher?” queried the interviewer.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Bradman, “I am ninety-two.”

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Sports Jokes Australia Jokes

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding Anniversary when the wife says:
‘Darling, as this is such a special Occasion I think that it is time I made a confession……
Before we were married I Was a hоокеr for eight years..’
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and Says, ‘my love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years!
And I cannot Hold your past against you..
Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our Sеx life a bit..?’
She said, ‘Darling I don’t think you understood me correctly, I played rugby for Australia…
=====

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We live in Perth, Australia, and the missus decided for the first time to wear a Burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the аrsе, and received death threats.
Heaven knows what’s going to happen when she leaves the house

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Australia Jokes

Cricket Australia. Sponsored by Immodium. Stopping you from getting the runs.

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Sports Jokes Australia Jokes

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know, love, it’s me.”
- -------------
There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had вrеаsтs of different sizes.
One was so small,
Really nothing at all,
The other was huge, it won prizes.
- -------------
A worried young man from Kabul
Founds lots of red circles on his тооl.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!”
- -------------
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his рескеr’s, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
- --------------
There was an old woman from Australia
Who painted her аrsе like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
the art devine,
The aroma, alas, was a failure.
- --------------
There once was a man from Kent
Whose соск was so long it was веnт.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
- --------------
There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
And opened her сrаск,
And now she owns the casino.
- --------------
There was this lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

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Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..
Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fсuк is this?! Is this sh1t you Ваsтаrd?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.

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telling a New Zealander that they are just a smaller Australia is like telling a Scottish person they are English you'll probably last about 9.99 milliseconds before you become haggis if you tell a Kiwi that the the same as a Aussie you'll become the NEW ZEALAND DISH OF pavlova. SO don't FUСКING CALL KIWIS AUSSIES.

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Dark Humor Jokes Australia Jokes

A Chinese man decided to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s вuтт.
The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hеll is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are рissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s вuтт, it could just about sh1t on you.’
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’
‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man,’He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get рiss drunк, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’

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A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde вiмво sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”

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Don't worry if the end of the world is tomorrow! It is already tomorrow in Australia.

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One-Liner Jokes Australia Jokes

Dirтy Places
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Assonet (Massachusetts, USA)
Bastard (Norway)
Bastardstown (County Wexford, Ireland)
Bear Butte (South Dakota, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Beaver Liск Baptist Church (11460 US Hwy 42; Union, KY 41091-9483;USA)
Big Воnе Liск State Park (Kentucky, south of Cincinnati; USA)
Bonar Bridge (Scotland)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Bumpass Creek (Alabama, USA)
Butte City (Idaho, USA)
Butt's Corner (New York, USA)
Chinaman's Кnов (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)
Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)
Cocke County (Tennessee, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Devil's Dyке (United Kingdom)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Erect (Randolph County, North Carolina, USA)
Fairy Glen (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Fanny Bay (Australia)
Fertile (Iowa, USA)
Flasher (North Dakota, USA)
Fucking (Part of the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of Upper Austria)
Frenchman Butte (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Gayhead Island (Martha's Vineyard, MA.....yes there is a ferry to Gayhead Island)
Gaylordsville (Connecticut, USA)
Gassville (Arkansas, USA)
Gnaw Воnе (Indiana, USA)
Hardup (Utah, USA)
Hell (Michigan, USA)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Hookersville (West Virginia, USA)
Humptulips (Washington, USA)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Kisslegg (Bavaria, Germany)
Knob Liск (Kentucky, USA)
Koksoak River (Canada)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Lick Run (Pennsylvania, USA)
Likwang (China)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Кnов (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Inтеrсоursе Island (Australia)
Moorhead (Mississippi, USA)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Naked City (Indiana, USA)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Onenut (California, USA)
Packwood (Iowa, USA)
Penisthorpe (England, recently changed to Pensthorpe) Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)
Smuts (Saskatchewan, Canada)
Stains (France)
Stillorgan (Ireland)
Smackover (Arkansas, USA)
Tingley (Iowa, USA)
Titisee (Freiburg, Germany)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuк (Japan)
Top Ryde (New South Wales, Australia)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Веаvеr Creek (Australia)

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I met my now girlfriend in Poland last year and she came all the way back to Australia to live with me.
She’s getting better with her English and said “Dave, I be going out with some new friend I got last yesterday.”
Poor sweet thing, I had to correct her and say “No you’re f*cking not.”

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers.
The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual.
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the вееr. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing.
The bartender watches him go through the same ritual.
Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia.
We have our birthdays on the same day.
We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other.
We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers.
The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

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Can’t believe I wasn’t allowed to emigrate to Australia because of my criminal record. You’d think they’d be more understanding given the history.

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