Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick baby up.
2. Hold for approximately 5yrs, then gently place back down

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Kids Jokes

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is sсrеwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shiт."

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News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Political Jokes Dad Jokes

Heaviest objects in the Universe: 1. Sun 2. Neutron star 3. Black hole 4. Toy you just asked your kid to pick up

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Kids Jokes

Every time I say "NO", my kids hear: "Ask again, she didn't understand the question".

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Kids Jokes

A chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

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Kids Jokes Birthday Jokes

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.
This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Business jokes Customer service jokes Boss Jokes

The best way to teach kids about taxes is to eating 30% of their ice cream

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Kids Jokes

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

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Kids Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Hairdresser Jokes

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

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Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes Baby Jokes

Mom: “why did you get in so much trouble at school today?”
Kid: “it was show and tell day and I couldn’t find any of my toys to show the class so I borrowed yours”

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Kids Jokes School Jokes

8 year old kid looking at mom's ID card, Sеx: F - he laughts.
- What's so funny?- I can'y believe you are so bad in sеx that you failed in it.Husband died laughing

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

Just because I can't sing, doesn't mean I won't sing

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Kids Jokes

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were rетаrdеd. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whоrеhоusе. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

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Farmer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: An embarassed zebra!

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Boycott Jokes Internet Jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Communication Jokes Dinosaur jokes

Q: Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
A: He was a party pooper.

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Q: Why did the моrоn throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see a butterfly.

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break

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Blue Collar Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes

Where does a ship go when it's sick?
To the dock.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Kids Jokes