Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Two old women were talking about their sеx lives.
Ethel was upset because her sеx life had really died, while Mildred said her sеx life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sеx the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

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The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-аss student pipes up:
"What about extreme sеxuаl exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Marriage and Family Jokes School Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early.
Arriving home, he found his wife with another man.
Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
"This I've got to hear," the Sailor said.
"It was an honest mistake," the mother-in -law said. " She never got your e-mail!"

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Communication Jokes Sailor Jokes

Remember your wife is a romantic who still loves flowers and chocolates.
Show her you remember as well by referring to them occasionally.

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Chocolate Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

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Baby Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sеx with me, reach over and squeeze my left вrеаsт one time. If you don't want to have sеx, reach over and squeeze my right вrеаsт two times."
"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.
Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.
"And if you want to have sеx with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my оrgаn one time. If you don't want to have sеx, pull on my оrgаn two hundred and fifty times."

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Masturbation jokes

Air Force Approach:
"Eagle 13, turn right to 330."
Eagle 13:
"Roger 330."
App:
"Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?"
Eagle 13:
"Affirmative.
Go ahead."
App:
"Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake.
That is my house.
I had a fight with my Wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley.
Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?"
Eagle 13:
"Negative sir.
Instead I can see a Ryder's truck."

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Aviation Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

I didn’t fаrт in front of my wife until we were married.
I don’t think the vicar was impressed.

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Wedding jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

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Military Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Irish jokes

During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

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Military Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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Kids Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful!
I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes Old People Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her вrеаsтs.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them вiggеr?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your аss."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Sexist Jokes

Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes What's The Difference Jokes

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks:
"Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“Вullshiт, you know his parents are pressing him!”

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Grandparent Jokes Insurance Comedy

There were five brothers named somebody, nobody, anybody mad and brain.
One day somebody and nobody were fighting, and just at that moment the anybody called police.
The police picked up the phone, and said hello.
Then Anybody:
"Hello sir! I want to inform you that somebody is beating nobody."
Police:
"Sorry!"
Anybody:
"Sir somebody is beating nobody"
Police:
"Are you mad? Who are you? What's your name?"
Anybody:
"No, sir mad is dancing, I am anybody"
Police:
"Shut up you idiот. What are you saying? Where have your brain gone? Is it lost?"
Anybody:
"No, sir brain is not lost. Brain is in the bathroom."

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Police Officer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

What are Women Really Thinking?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?
And your point is?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes Coffee Jokes