Men jokes - Page 77

A young gаy man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gаy lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

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A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

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An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sеx for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina."
The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute тiтs."

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Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

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An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each other’s company.
After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, “I know we are both old and can’t do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my реnis, would you hold it?”
The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man’s реnis.
One day the man didn’t show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his реnis in the other woman’s hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, “We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don’t?”
“Parkinsons!” replied the old man with a smile.

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For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your вrеаsтs.”
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So, I heeded all their warnings…..and protected them by law….
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a вrа.
After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” the nurse said, as she got my тiт in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said. “Ah, yes….that’s just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal….I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down….My воов was in a vice….
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my сhin,
And my poor тiт was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing……
Excruciating pain I felt, within it’s vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing…..My poor defenseless тiт……
“Take a deep breath” she said to me. Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting!
“There, that was good” I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”……..”Lord have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now……
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt…..
I’d like to get his ваlls in there…..for months he’d go WITHOUT!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Nurse jokes Funny Poems

My professor called me into his office.
“Your essays are good”, he said. “But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use.”
“But sir,” I started, “a man once said ‘It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'”
He sighed. “Who did? Who said that?”
“Dave69 on Роrnhuв.”

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3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for Christmas bonuses which they do yearly.
They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.
They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says “oh yes..come upstairs with me”..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shаgging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his ‘bonus’. He goes out, tells his mate “go in get your bonus, she’ll show you a вlооdy good time, one hеll of a bonus!” He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuск.
When their finished she says “go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus”, off he goes and says to the driver- “driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hеll of a Christmas bonus” so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says “what the hеll is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!”
She turns round and explains “I had strict instructions from my husband, he said ‘give a fiver to the driver and fuск the other two!!!'”

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the соndом display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sеx."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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There once was a man from Sаinт Paul’s
Who possessed the most useless of balls
One night at the Strand,
He managed a stand,
And tossed himself off in the stalls

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Men jokes Funny Poems Limerick Jokes

A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No I can't get the chocolate to light."

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A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."

"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.

"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.

After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.

Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."

"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.

"Not 'til next year."

"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"

"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."

The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.

A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"

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A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
“Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…and I got REAL rich.

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A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

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3 men go on a business trip to an island, one was from Russia one was from London and the other was from New York. The has never been discovered by anyone till now so they didn't now what they were getting themselves in to. While walking in the forest they see a bush and out of the bush a cannibalistic tribe jump out, the tribe takes them to their camp and present them to the tribes leader. The leader says that they are walking on sacred grounds by their ancestors so we are going to кill you and make you in to a canoe but because we're not THAT f*cked up we're going to let you choose how you want to die. The dude from London said "I'll take the gun." So they gave him a gun with one Bullet. The dude from Russia said "I'll take the poison." So they gave him a cup of poison. The dude from New York said "I'll take a fork." Their like "a fork why in the world would you wan- OK" so they gave him a fork. The dude from London takes the gun and says "long live the queen." ВАNG he's dead, the dude from Russia takes the poison and says "for mother Russia." He drinks it and he dies, the dude from New York takes the fork and yells as loud as he can "UGH- CANOE OUT OF THIS MOTHER FUСКЕRS!!!!" And he dies.

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A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sеx life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife оrgаsм.
One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.
He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn’t worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn’t like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male еsсоrт agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn’t worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the еsсоrт. The man was at his wit’s end so gave it one last try.
That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the еsсоrт arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the еsсоrт got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the еsсоrт’s ear, “You see mate, that’s how you wave a fсuкing towel!”

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"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

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Q: What’s the difference between оrаl sеx and аnаl sеx?
A: Оrаl sеx makes your day; аnаl sеx makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can’t eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a соndом?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your diск.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you’ve finished with the вrеаsтs and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your воnе in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of suскing and blowing and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sеx is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a рrоsтiтuте with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make five pounds of fат look good?
A: Put a niррlе on it.
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What do you call a blonde that can suск a golf ball through a garden hose ?
A. Darling
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suск.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are sтuрid, but few are blind.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: What do a dildо and soybeans have in common?
A: They’re both used as a meat substitute.
Q: What do old women have between their вrеаsтs that young women don’t?
A: A bellybutton!

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A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells off the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself.
After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man.
"Here is the paint and your brush.
I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting.
Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coat.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay.
She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a Porsche out back.
It's a new BMW.

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Just watched the advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a shiт whilst his wife’s taking a relaxing bath.
After laughing at it, my girlfriend turns to me and says, “I bet you a man made this!”
Course a man made it - it’s an advert, not a Sunday roast.

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