Men jokes

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Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,  near Transylvania. They  drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.   Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.    The car swerves and smashes into a tree..
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.  A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
 “I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”Bob brings his wife in.
 An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;   I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play.  A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
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Since the girl couldn’t type, she was fired;
And asked to explain why she was hired.
“The executive’s dong
Is only four inches long.
I thought shorthand was all he required”
------------------
An old maiden who barely did kissing,
Soon discovered what she had been missing.
When laid down on the sоd,
She cried out, “Oh, God!
All these years I just used it for рissing!”
------------------
The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
‘Cause when you rang her веll,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!
------------------
There was a young girl from Chesishire.
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
But now that it’s in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?”
-----------------
A certain young fellow named Dick
Liked to feel a girl’s hand on his рriск.
He taught them to fool
With his rigid old tool
Till the cream shot out, white and thick.
-----------------
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
“I’ve now rammed it in!”
She said, “You mean that isn’t your finger?”
------------------
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born 9 months too soon.
He didn’t have the luck
To be born by a fсuк;
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-------------------
A pretty young gal from Hong Kong
Said “I think you are utterly wrong
To say my vаginа’s
the largest in China
Just because of your little ding dоng!”
-----------------
A passionate red-headed girl,
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her тwат would get wet
And would wiggle and fret,
And her c*nt-lips would curl and unfurl.
-----------------
A Plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she веnт over the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Brink petered out
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
------------------
There was a young fellow called Mark,
Who, when he screws, has to bark.
His wife is a вiтсh,
With a terrible itch,
So the town never sleeps after dark.
-----------------
Once a pirate named Yates
Danced the jig for all of his mates.
He slipped in his cutlas,
And made himself nutless,
And now he’s quite useless on dates.
-----------------
There was a young lass named Hannah
Who suскеd off her lover’s banana.
She swore that the cream
That shot out in a stream
Tasted better than eva
- ---------------
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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a hоокеr in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”
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The Doctor said:
"The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hеll of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hеll of a headache."
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For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.
AIM:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s just the way the game’s played.
Here’s a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ………………………….+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………..-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty… 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex…-1
You go out to buy her extra-light раnтiе liners with wings…+5
in the snow……………………………….+8
but return with вееr……………………….-5
and no liners…………………………….-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…+5
You smash it with a cricket bat……………….+10
It’s her cat……………………………..-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening……….. 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub…-2
Called Tiffany………………….-4
Who is a lap dancer…………….-10
With вrеаsт implants……………-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday…………………………. 0
You buy a card and flowers………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
Ok, it is a sports bar…………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team…-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate………………………………… 0
The mate is happily married……………………..+1
The mate is single……………………………..-7
He drives a Ferrari……………………………-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film……………………..+2
You take her to a see a film she likes…………….+4
You take her to a see a film you hate……………..+6
You take her to a see a film you like……………..-2
It’s called Death Cop III………………………..-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans…………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable рот belly……………….-15
You develop a noticeable рот belly & exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable рот belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts…-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fат?”
You hesitate in responding………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”………………………..-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your аrsе”………-100
Any other response…………………………-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression………….0
You listen, for over 30 minutes……………………..+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…. +50
You’re mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
“well, what do you think I should do?”………-100
You have fallen asleep………………………..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk…………………………………..-100
You don’t talk……………………………..-150
You spend time with her……………………..-200
You don’t spend time with her………………..-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself…..GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
Чудите ли се как да направите една жена щастлива? Ο μοναδικός κανόνας Pistesysteemin periaate on lyhykäisyydessään seuraava: Jos teet jotain, josta nainen iloitsee, saat pluspisteitä. Jos teet jotain, mistä hän ei pidä, saat miinuspisteitä. Jos teet jotain, joka...
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A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sеxuаl sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sеxuаl sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”
На вожда на африканско племе му се ражда бяло дете. Вика той белия мисионер и му вика: На африканскиот главатар му се родило бело дете White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives. One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was... Un misionero español viaja a una tribu del Congo, donde solo hay negros. A los nueve meses de estar allí la hija del jefe de la tribu tiene un hijo blanco, rubio y ojos azules. el jefe de la tribu... In einem Dorf im TIEFEN Afrika lebt als einziger weißer ein Missionar. Eines Tages kommt ein Eingeborener zu ihm und fragt: Der Häuptling in einem afrikanischen Dorf ist entsetzt. Seine Frau hat gerade ein weißes Kind zur Welt gebracht. Sofort ruft er den einzigen Weißen, einen Misionar zu sich und sagt: "Meine Frau hat... Cela se passe en Afrique. Dans ce village, se trouve un seul blanc : le père Joseph. Un jour un des villageois aborde le père Joseph pour une plainte. – Écoute mon pe’e, j’ai un petit p’obleme. Ma femme vient d’avoi’ un fils, et il est blanc. Comme tu es le seul blanc dans la ‘egion, je viens te... Dans le village centre-africain naît un bébé blanc. Le papa vexé se pose des questions et trouve une réponse alors il va voir le missionnaire, seul blanc dans la tribu. Le missionnaire lui explique... Ca se passe en Afrique noire, un noir arrive chez le médecin blanc. Il (le noir) tient dans sa main un nouveau-né blanc, et dit, furieux, au médecin : - Ma femme avoir accouche d'un enfant blanc.... Dans un village africain peuplé de d’africain bien noir, il n’y a qu’un seul blanc, le prêtre. Mais alors Moumoud, père de 5 enfants vient d’avoir son 6ème enfant qui est tout blanc, tout furieux... Un scientifique blanc étudie une tribu en Afrique Un jour, la femme des chefs de tribu a un fils blanc. Le chef de tribu s’approche du scientifique peu de temps après. « Eh bien, nous savons tous... Ο λευκός ιεραπόστολος ζούσε ειρηνικά σε ένα Αφρικάνικο χωριό εδώ κι ένα χρόνο περίπου. Μια μέρα ο αρχηγός του χωριού τον κάλεσε στη σκηνή του για να συζητήσουν για ένα μεγάλο πρόβλημα. - Τι... Un infuriato uomo di colore di una tribù africana va dal prete missionario che si trova lì con loro e gli dice: "Fratello tu dovere dare me spiegazione, mia donna avere partorito bimbo bianco e tu... Um padre tinha ido evangelizar na África Negra, há alguns anos... Um dia, ele encontra uma aldeia tão atrasada que os habitantes nunca haviam visto um homem branco. Ele decide então fixar-se ali... Nasce uma criança branca numa aldeia da África. O chefe da tribo manda chamar o missionário que era o único homem branco por ali: — Calma chefe, tudo nesse mundo tem explicação... E o chefe: —... Numa aldeia africana, nasceu uma criança branca. Imediatamente o Cacique mandou chamar o missionário, que era o único homem branco por ali. - Cacique quer explicação! - pediu ele, enfezado. O... Missionären Josef hade i flera år bott i en afrikansk stam. En dag kom Bongo till honom med sin nyfödda baby. - Josef, nu är jag förbannad! Jag har tio barn som är svarta, den elfte här är mulatt.... Een arts van artsen zonder grenzen wordt naar donker Afrika gestuurd om iets aan geboortebeperking te doen. Daar aangekomen blijkt er één opperhoofd te zijn en de rest alleen maar vrouwen. "Kijk",... Gaat een zendeling zieltjes winnen bij een afgelegen stam in Congo . Eerste kennismaking gaat een beetje stroef maar na een paar maanden is hij behoorlijk geaccepteerd en is de stam al aardig... Den hvide missionær i Afrika blev kaldt til høvdingen, som var rasende: "Min søster har lige født en hvid baby. Du er den eneste hvide mand her, så du må dø for din ugerning." "Jamen høvding,",... En svenske var hjelpearbeider i et sted i Afrika. En dag kom stammehøvdingen til ham og sa at en kvinne i landsbyen hadde født ett hvitt barn og han spurte om svensken hadde en forklaring på det. -... Jeden misionář přijel do střední Afriky a usadil se u jednoho kmene. Strávil tam více než rok. Učil je číst a psát a seznamoval je s křesťanskou vírou. Obzvlášť zdůrazňoval sexuální čistotu a... Vienas misionierius vienai Afrikos tautelei skelbė krikščioniškas idėjas. Skelbė jis metus, skelbė du... Viskas būtų buvę lyg ir gerai, nes vietiniai nelabai dėmesio į tai kreipdavo... Tik staiga... Vienas antropologas kelerius metus gyveno laukinėje Afrikos gentyje, tyrė jos papročius ir gyvenimo būdą. Ir taip jau atsitiko, kad genties vado žmona pagimdė beveik baltaodį vaiką. Genties vadas...
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Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done…
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: Why did Нiтlеr commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
Q: What is a сrаск head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn’t have any arms.
Q: Why are black men penises вiggеr than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Сrавs on your оrgаn.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
A: She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
Q: Why are рuвiс Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little ваlls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whоrеhоusе say?
A: Beat it, we’re closed.
Q: Why do men like big t*ts and a tight аss?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little diскs.
Q: Whats long hard and full of sеамеn?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gаy мidgет with a vampire?
A: Соскsuскеr!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a rетаrdеd baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking suскing fсuкing and wanking.
Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions…
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair!
Q: Who was the best Jewish cook?
A: Нiтlеr!
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!
Q: Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can’t find the zipper!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s рussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating рussy and it tastes like sh1t!
Q: If women with big t*ts work at Ноотеrs, where do women with only one leg work?
A: IHOP!
Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?
A: When she’s suскing your соск, then she’s a goblin.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sеx?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was “The Wall”
Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom? A
: Society!
Q: Have you heard the one about the lеsвiаn that took Viаgrа?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sеx?
A: Because they have cotton ваlls.
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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.”
“One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”.
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, nакеd women.
The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a оrаl sеx - take your pick”.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered,”One of them’s a cannibal.”
Турска, френска, индийска, американски рулетки Видове руска рулетка: Руска рулетка: барабан за шест патрона, пет празни и един пълен. Датска рулетка: шест хотелски стаи с жени, в едната е тъщата Zambian Roulette L’ambassadeur français d’un pays africain a été invité chez un diplomate du cru. Tous les deux discutent des récents progrès réalisés dans le pays ces dernières années, alors que les russes étaient... Η ρωσική ρουλέτα... Ο πρέσβης της Ρωσίας σε κάποιο Αφρικανικό κράτος και ένας ντόπιος διπλωμάτης συζητάνε για την τεχνογνωσία που το κράτος είχε πάρει από τη Ρωσία. "Εργοστάσια, δρόμοι, αεροδρόμιο και Ρώσικη ρουλέτα"... O embaixador americano conversava com um diplomata africano que elogiava os russos: — Eles construíram uma hidroelétrica, um aeroporto, um estádio, ensinaram-nos a beber vodka e jogar roleta russa.... - Vet du vad afrikansk roulette är? - Ja, du sitter i en kolsvart hydda med sex mörkhyade brudar som ska suga av dig, men en av dem är kannibal. Een Afrikaanse ambassadeur van een klein Afrikaans landje gaat op bezoek in Rusland. Hij wordt daar natuurlijk opgevangen door zijn gelijke: een Russische ambassadeur. Die verwent hem een week lang... Russisk roulette: seks kamre i pistolen, én patron. Afrikansk roulette: seks hytter med afroditter med munden klar, den ene er kannibal. Dansk roulette: seks hotelværelser med villige damer, den... Un tip se rataceste prin jungla africana, si la un moment dat este capturat de canibali. Seful tribului ii da o sansa de scapare: - Daca vrei sa traiesti trebuie sa treci o proba! - Orice numai nu... Un european ajunge la un trib izolat din Africa si seful de Trib il ia sa-i arate atractiile locale. intr-o vale, mai la dos, Era un scaun turnant, imprejurul caruia stateau pe pamint Sase negrese...
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A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Fсuк! you see what I mean? There’s always that fсuкing doubt.”
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В един самолет пътували четирима души. Президент, Професор, Студент и Старец. По едно време самолетът се развалил и пилота им казал, че има само 3 парашута. Президентът грабнал първия парашут и казал: Падобран Бил Гејтс, Меси, Папата и Македонецот Parachute Crap Shoot A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am... A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the... An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need... There are four people on an airplane. The pilot, Hitler, An old man, and a young boy with a backpack. About 20 minutes into the flight the pilot runs out and yells. " The plane is going to... There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young... Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were one a falling airplane. Their were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world... An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout,... The greatest Doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack, and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the... Un avión está a punto de estrellarse. Hay cuatro pasajeros en el avión pero solo tres paracaídas. El primer pasajero dice: "Soy Steph Curry, el mejor jugador de la NBA. Los Warriors y mis millones de fans me necesitan, así que no puedo permitirme morir". Coge la primera mochila y salta del avión.... En un avión iban 4 personas, un político, un sacerdote, un jugador y un niño. Un motor del avión se estaba incendiando, entonces el capitán dice hay 4 paracaídas, uno para mí y los restos son... En un avión iba el Papa, el presidente Clinton, un atlante, un jipi y la tripulación del avión. En pleno vuelo el avión comenzó a fallar, el capitán del avión se dirigió a los cuatro pasajeros y... Van e un avion Obama,Cristiano Ronaldo,Zapatero,El papa y un niño de 5 años y llega y dice el piloto que el avion esta teniendo un problema y que hay que saltar pero solo hay 4 paracaidas. Dice... En un avión viaja Ronaldo, la mujer de Bush, Bush, el papa y un niño. Aparece un cartel "Atención, sobre peso, sobre peso" Y Ronaldo dice: - Yo como soy un jugador muy bueno me tengo que salvar.... Bush der Papst und ein Schuljunge Flugzeug stürzt ab Bush,Haider,der Papst und ein Junge sitzen im Flieger. Plötzlich kommen Turbolenzen auf. Da sagt der Pilot: " Wir stürzen ab! Bitte alle denn Flieger verlassen!" OK es sind 3 Fallschirme aber 4 Personen. Da sagt Bush: " Ich bin der wichtigste und gescheiterste Mann der Welt, ich nehm mir... Ein Flugzeug ist am Abstürzen. 5 Passagiere sind an Bord, es gibt jedoch nur 4 Fallschirme. Der erste Passagier sagt: "Ich bin Robert Hartlauer, der größte Fotolöwe. Ohne mich werden die... In einem Flugzeug sitzen 4 Leute: Trump, ein Egoist, der Papst und ein 10-jähriger Junge. Da kommt der Pilot und sagt: „Es gibt ein Problem mit der Maschine, ihr müsst leider alle abspringen. Ich... Donald Trump, ein Geistlicher und ein Pfadfinder fliegen mit einem kleinen Flugzeug, das Motorprobleme bekommt. Der Pilot gibt bekannt: „Wir müssen abspringen. Leider gibt es nur drei Fallschirme.... 5 Leute sitzen in einem abstürzenen Flugzeug, aber es sind nur 4 Fallschirme an Bord. 1. Ronaldo Donald Trump ein Prominent ein alter Opa und ein kleines Schulkind sitzen im Flugzeug. Das Flugzeug ist gerade am abstürzen, es gibt aber nur 3 Fallschirme, Donald Trump sagt ich nehme den ersten... Ein Österreichischer Pilot, ein Deutscher ein Franzose und ein Russe fliegen in einen Flugzeug. Auf einmal hatte das Flugzeug keinen Sprit mehr. Der Österreicher sagte: "Wir haben nur 3... In einem Flugzeug sitzen, neben dem Piloten, George Bush, Helmut Kohl, der Papst und ein Student. Plötzlich gerät das Flugzeug in heftige Turbulenzen und droht abzustürzen. Von den insgesamt 4... Der Präsident der USA, der klügste Mann der Welt und eine 5.-Klässler (ein kleiner Jung) sitzen im Flugzeug. Plötzlich bekommt das Flugzeug Probleme und fängt an abzustürzen. 3 Fallschirme stehen... Aux journées portes ouvertes d'une base militaire, trois personnes ont gagné à une tombola un tour dans un petit avion avec un général de l'armée française. Les gagnants sont: Un scout, un vieil... Ένα βράδυ, ένα Delta αεροσκάφος με δύο κινη τήρες, πετούσε με προορισμό το New Jersey. Στο αεροσκάφος υπήρχαν 5 άτομα - ο πιλότος, ο Michael Jordan, ο Bill Gates, ένας ηλικιωμένος και ένας χίππις. Obama, Renzi, il Santo padre ed un giovane studente stanno rientrando da un viaggio diplomatico in aereo. L'aereo subisce un guasto fatale ed i passeggeri sono costretti a buttarsi con il paracadute. Su un aereo c'è Berlusconi, il papa, il pilota, un bambino scout e Bush. L'aereo comincia a precipitare, ma ci sono solo 4 paracaduti. Allora devono decidere chi si deve salvare. Il pilota va... Obama, Berlusconi, un Papa e un bambino stanno facendo un viaggio in aereo. L'aereo subisce un guasto e i passeggeri si devono buttare con il paracadute ma c'è un problema: ci sono 4 persone e 3... Em um avião estavam Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, O Dalai Lama e um hippie e 5 para quedas. A certa altura, o piloto aparece e diz: — Senhores o avião está caindo, salve-se quem puder.... En Norrman, en Amerikan, en Svensk och en Finne på flygresa. Plötsligt stannade motorn. Piloten kom ut från cockpiten med en fallskärm på sig och sa, - Auto piloten är på men motorn har lagt av och eftersom vi flyger över bergen så finns det inte en... En präst, en lärare, en hockeyspelare, en student och den dåvarande presidenten Bush befann sig i ett flygplan som höll på att störta och det fanns bara fyra fallskärmar för dem att dela på.... En tysk, en norrman, en pilot och Bellman var ombord på ett flygplan när det plötsligt fick fel på motorerna. Men det fanns bara tre fallskärmar. Då sa Bellman till piloten: - Här har du. Du får... Een dokter, een advocaat, een kleine jongen en een priester zitten op een zondagochtend in een klein vliegtuigje voor een mooie rondvlucht boven Nederland. Plotseling krijgt het vliegtuigje motor... Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Prins Bernhard en een student zitten met z'n drieën in een vliegtuig. Op een gegeven moment vallen allebei de motoren uit en begint het vliegtuig hoogte te verliezen. Er... Der var tre mand ombord på en brændende flyver. En advokat, en familiefar og en præst. Desværre ville skæbnen at der kun var to faldskærme ombord. Advokaten begyndte straks at tale sin sag og... Egy repülőgépen utazik Bush, Gorbacsov, Ceaucescu és a Pápa. A gép egyszer csak kigyullad és zuhanni kezd lefelé. A pilóta így szól: - Baj van uraim! Öten vagyunk, és csak négy ejtőernyőnk van.... Čech, Rus, Američan a Brit letí letadlem. Náhle se jim vznítí motor a mají jen tři padáky. Prvního padáku se chytí Rus a vyskakuje se slovy: „Jako příslušník nejinteligentnějšího národa mám právo...
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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.
They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
“It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.”
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says,
“I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.”
The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.”
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.”
“And what word would that be?” inquires the man.
“Comfortable.” replies the brunette.
The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?”
The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”
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Q: Why are E.T.s eyes so big?
A: Because he saw the phone bill.
Q: Why couldn’t the blond pass her drivers test?
A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.
Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Q: What does a blond and a turtle have in common?
A: When they lay on their backs they’re sсrеwеd!
Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their ваlls show!
Q: What do you call a man that marries another man?
A: Minister
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
Q: What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
A: Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them!
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet,sensitive men in this world?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?Who cares?
A: What the hеll was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
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Harry Dunn lived with his mother in Ireland and was always bugging her to let him go the U.S.A. Finally she said he could go if he promised to write her every week to let her know how he was doing, He said he would , so off he went down to the docks.
Well she received letters each week telling her how he arrived in New York, how he had found an apartment, found a job, and had met Betty the girl in the office. He said he was so happy and that he and Betty were getting married. They had moved to Connecticut in a lovely little white house, and Betty was pregnant. Then the letters stopped.....
She was so worried she didn’t know what to do. She heard that one of the local lads was going over and she made her way to the pier. She found him and asked him if he knew her son Harry Dunn, he said he did not. She told him what had happened and asks him to look up Harry and tell him to write. He promised her he would at any cost.
Upon arriving in N.Y. he hailed a taxi, and told the cabby to take him to Connecticut (not realizing how big the USA was.) The cabby said that is quite a ways from here and quite costly. No problem I have to deliver a message for an old lady in Ireland. “Do you know Harry Dunn? He asked the cabby. “No I don’t think so” the cabby replied. The lad told the cabby that he lived in a little white house in Connecticut. So the cabby said when we get over the line I will pull into a station and you can ask the attendant if he knows you friend Harry Dunn.
So when they crossed over into Connecticut the cabby pulled into a little country service station. The boy jumped out as the attendant was coming to the car. The boy asked the attendant if he knew Harry Dunn and he said no. Where is the little white house? The attendant pointed and said right behind the station down that path, so the boy trotted down the path to the little white house (Privy-john)
He jеrкеd the door open and there stood a man zipping up his pants “Are you Dunn?” asked the lad. Yes I’m done replied the man. “I have a message for you.”
‘What is the message” asked the man. “Write to your mother, she is worried sick over you.”
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