Men jokes - Page 93

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Two gаys were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gаy asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that shiт-eatin’ grin off your face.”

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Retirement Jokes Jokes about Women Religion jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes Priest Jokes

A n old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s chocolate cake.”
“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming” his eldest son tells him. Grandmother is baking a chocolate cake now.”
“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious chocolate cake after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, the boy returns empty-handed.
“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious chocolate cake?” the old man plaintively queries.
“I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”

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Chocolate Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Grandparent Jokes

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.
They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shiт my pants.”
The young men are amazed.
One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d сrар my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then-just now when I said roar!”

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Africa Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes American Presidents Humor

Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course and watched a young man golfing. First he hit it into the high grass, mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball. Then he hit it into the sand bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball. Next he hit a perfect hole in one, then the first alien said to the second, "Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!

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Golf jokes Men jokes Alien Jokes

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

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Aviation Jokes Men jokes Pilot Jokes

What do you call 35,000 men with their hands up?
"Iraqi Army."

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Military Jokes Men jokes

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

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Men jokes Animal Jokes

Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea.
The second also asks for tea.
"And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter.
When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch реnis?
A: "Partially disabled."

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Gross Jokes Men jokes

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
"Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and кill you."
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hеll were you when I got married last week?"

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

Matilda and Rosie were chatting one day. Matilda had recently moved to a retirement home. Rosie asked, “Matilda, how do like your new home?”
“Oh, I love it,” answered Matilda. “there’s so much to do, and no burdens of cooking a cleaning.” “I’m not sure I’d like it,” Rosie said. “I understand there are hardly any men at these places.”
“Oh, indeed there are,” said Matilda. “There’s Will Power, and Charlie Horse, and (whispering) you can even go to bed with Arthur It is. And, if you don’t like them, there’s Ben Gаy.”

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Retirement Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?” The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s gеniтаls in his hand, and raises them up and down. “It’s about 2:00”, he says. The tourist can’t believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s gеniтаls!” One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s gеniтаls. The local says “Sit down here and grab the camel’s gеniтаls”. “Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.”

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Misunderstanding Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Ever seen a blind man swim? He probably hasn't either.

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Boycott Jokes Men jokes

I got the perfect body for an eighth grader. Yeah, if this were junior high, I'd be the man, y'all. Dамn near be the bully, alright? Be that crazy dude over by the monkey bars:
'Man, Sully's crazy -- he drank three chocolate milks today.'

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Chocolate Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullsh1t session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”
The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”
The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with рussiеs this big.” (He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish justice.)
“I can’t believe you mate” the Aussie remarked.
“How do you sсrеw them then?” asked the Yank.
“They stretch man, they stretch.”

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Australia Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

Mostly men lie before the elections, sеx and after fishing.

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Attitude Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

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Golf jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes