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An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know what collateral means."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1979 pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know what deposit means."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
Once upon a time, two good ole boys, Curtis & Leroy, saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.".
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments.".
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!".
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde:
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?"
He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.
Thinking maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"